As some of you may know, I originally jokingly suggested to Dawn that I might do a rap in Ben's honor at the mike tonight. I'm a little worried that she liked the idea... But I'm the king of rock, there is none higher; sucker MCs should call me "sire"... so I decided to speak instead, and so, with apologies in advance to the Bard, I've had just a few words prepared:
Friends, co-workers... and the rest of you: lend me your ears! I come to bury Benjamin, not to praise him. (Hmmm... well, Ben Stein used to be a good speechwriter...) The evil that men hire retires with them; the good is oft terminated early, and alone; so let it be with Ben. Here, under leave of Ben and the rest- for Ben is an honorable man; so are they all, all honorable men- come I to speak. He hath brought many profits home to AA World Class, which did the general coffers fill. When that the poor have cried, Ben hath wept and given them profit sharing. When that the sick have wailed and moaned in bitterest agony, hath he not opened his purse to give insurance of health? When that the hungry have called out for donuts and bagels, he hath provided generously as well.
And yet we require more. And yet there are whisperings, murmurs for raises, for holiday bonuses, for child care. "A new printer!" "A new chair!" "A day off!" O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts, and men have lost their reason. This was the most unkindest cut of all. For when the noble Caesar- er, Ben- heard these words, he, ranging for economy, with Bill by his side come hot from Heller, did in these confines with a monarch's voice cry "Havoc," and let slip the financial advisors of war.
O masters, if I were disposed to stir your hearts and minds to protest and rage, I should do Ben wrong, who, you all know, is an honorable man: I will not do him wrong; I rather choose to wrong the working class heroes, to wrong myself and you, than I will wrong such honorable men. Here was a Caesar! When comes such another?
Now let it work. Mischief, thou art afoot, take thou what course thou wilt!
For the people in the cheaper seats, clap your hands. And the rest of you, if you just rattle your jewelry...