It's May Day. The Federation Formerly Known As The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics continues its more and more absurd war against the Chechens and has decided to put more time and money into Mir (the station, not actually peace) rather than trying to make up for the incredible delay in its contribution to the International Space Station. The still rabidly Communist Chinese are still rattling sabres at Taiwan. Vietnam and John McCain are trading harsh words while remembering the end of the war; the Communists there claim that the torture McCain endured never happened. And Fidel Castro (I'm too lazy to check right now, but it seems to me that he may be the longest-ruling Communist leader the world has ever known, certainly one of the longest-ruling, at any rate) has proven to be one of the saner and more rational voices in the Elián Gonzalez call-and-response. That's probably what's bugging the Republicans, not the fact that the INS went in with guns to take the kid away, but the fact that the U.S. and Cuban governments are on the same side in this issue. And as far as the action taken by the INS, it was legal, restrained, and successful. Quit bitchin'.
Zimbabwe, and other African nations, have a serious problem in this land issue. If it's true that the minority whites own a significant majority of the land, then that probably needs to be addressed. But this just isn't the way to address it. Mugabe is only hurting his legitimacy as a legal and democratic representative of the people by refusing to condemn the violence being perpetrated against the white farmers.
I can't believe we're still arguing about abortions and about gay unions. I don't think abortion should be used as birth control in cases where you just don't want a baby, in place of using a condom or a diaphragm or something else, but I do feel that the government does not have the right to interfere. And two people who decide to spend their lives together are a family, whether they're a man and a woman, or two men, or two women. Who are you to say that the love between two lesbians is somehow less valid than the love between a man and a woman, or that the lesbians should not be entitled to the same benefits as a 'normal' married couple? That's archaic thinking. Either get over it and join the rest of us preparing to enter the twenty-first century, or go find yourself some isolated land in Montana, or Afghanistan, or Serbia, or Iran.
Do I sound bitter? I am. It occurs to me that there's not much point in lingering here much longer. Call me a hopeless romantic... (I'll wait three seconds while you call me a hopeless romantic) ...but I've found the woman of my dreams (clichéd, I know, but the way I feel nonetheless), and we can't be together, and I, well, there's nothing more to say on the subject. There are still things to do, places to go, and people to meet; I'd kinda staked my life on doing, going, and meeting them with her, though. That's no longer an option, and while I don't blame her for the way things have transpired, and I still care for her deeply and know that she still cares for me, the fact remains that I am, in the words of author George Stark, "losing cohesion." Manic depression, or something along those lines, has got me in its clutches again. The tight control my mind has maintained over my body (generally speaking) seems to be slipping. I don't feel terribly motivated anymore. The desire to continue living the interesting life I've lived has been muted in a way I'd never thought possible. My music and my writing go on, for now at least, but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to continue. Even this Web site, outlet for most of my creativity, doesn't seem to generate very much interest. How many of you are actually reading this column? How many of you care? And if you don't care, my vanity and my ego are only going to carry me so far. Eventually, I won't see a reason to do this anymore. My autobiography, or however much of it I finally complete, will possibly create something of a stir, but I don't think I can even let it see the light of day for decades to come. And this is how the beautiful fucked-up universe responds to my pain and my madness:
And the state of the world inspires neither confidence nor a desire to continue dwelling in it. Can this world really be as sad as it seems? Imagine all the people, sharing all the world. Is it only a dream that there'll be no more turning away? OK, OK, I'll stop with the song lyrics, but it truly saddens me to think that maybe this is as good as it gets. (Sorry.) Maybe the human race as a whole cannot mature beyond this point, maybe there will always be bigotry, and racism, and homophobia, and violent crime, and war, and haves and have-nots. I've probably done a lot more thinking about it than you have (not to sound snobbish, but I really have engaged in debates, and spent sleepless nights considering the problem), and read the thoughts and opinions of many others, and there doesn't seem to be a way around it. Human nature will tell, and there will always be those who will act on those negative impulses, and some of them will be in positions to influence or control others...
I wish I could be more positive right now. But I can't. This is how I feel, and nothing in my immediate future is going to change that. I will continue to have good days, where I can get through my daily routine and joke and honestly smile and forget and feel happy for a little while, and bad days, where try as I might I can't get her out of my head, and I die a little more inside. I'm a scientific, mathematical, logical kind of guy, but feelings and emotions just don't follow those rules. I feel what I feel, regardless of whether I, you, or anyone else considers my feelings justified or 'right' or sensible. In the end, all the pain was worth it, for it showed me that I was, after all, only human.
Blecch. I feel so much better now. ;P Thanks for letting me unload. But you're not really there, are you? :::sigh::: Well, let's see if April's showers, literal and metaphorical, do in fact bring May flowers. There are always possibilities. - A