Vitriol
© 2000 by Andersen Silva (05-01-00)

It's May Day. The Federation Formerly Known As The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics continues its more and more absurd war against the Chechens and has decided to put more time and money into Mir (the station, not actually peace) rather than trying to make up for the incredible delay in its contribution to the International Space Station. The still rabidly Communist Chinese are still rattling sabres at Taiwan. Vietnam and John McCain are trading harsh words while remembering the end of the war; the Communists there claim that the torture McCain endured never happened. And Fidel Castro (I'm too lazy to check right now, but it seems to me that he may be the longest-ruling Communist leader the world has ever known, certainly one of the longest-ruling, at any rate) has proven to be one of the saner and more rational voices in the Elián Gonzalez call-and-response. That's probably what's bugging the Republicans, not the fact that the INS went in with guns to take the kid away, but the fact that the U.S. and Cuban governments are on the same side in this issue. And as far as the action taken by the INS, it was legal, restrained, and successful. Quit bitchin'.

Zimbabwe, and other African nations, have a serious problem in this land issue. If it's true that the minority whites own a significant majority of the land, then that probably needs to be addressed. But this just isn't the way to address it. Mugabe is only hurting his legitimacy as a legal and democratic representative of the people by refusing to condemn the violence being perpetrated against the white farmers.

I can't believe we're still arguing about abortions and about gay unions. I don't think abortion should be used as birth control in cases where you just don't want a baby, in place of using a condom or a diaphragm or something else, but I do feel that the government does not have the right to interfere. And two people who decide to spend their lives together are a family, whether they're a man and a woman, or two men, or two women. Who are you to say that the love between two lesbians is somehow less valid than the love between a man and a woman, or that the lesbians should not be entitled to the same benefits as a 'normal' married couple? That's archaic thinking. Either get over it and join the rest of us preparing to enter the twenty-first century, or go find yourself some isolated land in Montana, or Afghanistan, or Serbia, or Iran.

Do I sound bitter? I am. It occurs to me that there's not much point in lingering here much longer. Call me a hopeless romantic... (I'll wait three seconds while you call me a hopeless romantic) ...but I've found the woman of my dreams (clichéd, I know, but the way I feel nonetheless), and we can't be together, and I, well, there's nothing more to say on the subject. There are still things to do, places to go, and people to meet; I'd kinda staked my life on doing, going, and meeting them with her, though. That's no longer an option, and while I don't blame her for the way things have transpired, and I still care for her deeply and know that she still cares for me, the fact remains that I am, in the words of author George Stark, "losing cohesion." Manic depression, or something along those lines, has got me in its clutches again. The tight control my mind has maintained over my body (generally speaking) seems to be slipping. I don't feel terribly motivated anymore. The desire to continue living the interesting life I've lived has been muted in a way I'd never thought possible. My music and my writing go on, for now at least, but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to continue. Even this Web site, outlet for most of my creativity, doesn't seem to generate very much interest. How many of you are actually reading this column? How many of you care? And if you don't care, my vanity and my ego are only going to carry me so far. Eventually, I won't see a reason to do this anymore. My autobiography, or however much of it I finally complete, will possibly create something of a stir, but I don't think I can even let it see the light of day for decades to come. And this is how the beautiful fucked-up universe responds to my pain and my madness:

Yes, it's a real fortune.

And the state of the world inspires neither confidence nor a desire to continue dwelling in it. Can this world really be as sad as it seems? Imagine all the people, sharing all the world. Is it only a dream that there'll be no more turning away? OK, OK, I'll stop with the song lyrics, but it truly saddens me to think that maybe this is as good as it gets. (Sorry.) Maybe the human race as a whole cannot mature beyond this point, maybe there will always be bigotry, and racism, and homophobia, and violent crime, and war, and haves and have-nots. I've probably done a lot more thinking about it than you have (not to sound snobbish, but I really have engaged in debates, and spent sleepless nights considering the problem), and read the thoughts and opinions of many others, and there doesn't seem to be a way around it. Human nature will tell, and there will always be those who will act on those negative impulses, and some of them will be in positions to influence or control others...

I wish I could be more positive right now. But I can't. This is how I feel, and nothing in my immediate future is going to change that. I will continue to have good days, where I can get through my daily routine and joke and honestly smile and forget and feel happy for a little while, and bad days, where try as I might I can't get her out of my head, and I die a little more inside. I'm a scientific, mathematical, logical kind of guy, but feelings and emotions just don't follow those rules. I feel what I feel, regardless of whether I, you, or anyone else considers my feelings justified or 'right' or sensible. In the end, all the pain was worth it, for it showed me that I was, after all, only human.

Blecch. I feel so much better now. ;P Thanks for letting me unload. But you're not really there, are you? :::sigh::: Well, let's see if April's showers, literal and metaphorical, do in fact bring May flowers. There are always possibilities. - A


April 2004 - The real final Vitriol, Howard Stern, Dubya, etc.
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March 2004 - Dining out with my baby, Virtual PC, and the end of Vitriol... or is it?
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February 2004 - Two weeks between jobs, three new songs, grabbing Panther by the tail
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January 2004 - Ice skating with Gina, sushi at my sister's wedding, war-riding, the pink slip
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December 2003 - Moving pains, goin' places with Gina, Christmas bells
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November 2003 - The looong month of October, finding an apartment, Ozzy's gone
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October 2003 - I'm in love with her and I feel fine, Boston, the Dalai Lama, apartment for rent?
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September 2003 - Andy, happy? it could happen!, taking time off from work, Ringo Starr, "Discworld," the blackout
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August 2003 - (W)here (M)ight (D)ose WMDs be?, gay marriages and the people who fear them, '80s metal bands, Computer Man to the rescue, Philadelphia freedom
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July 2003 - Boondocks.net is back!, rudeness on public transportation and elsewhere, "Hole in the Wall"
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June 2003 - Science fiction movies, where is Boondocks.net?, still no weapons of misconstruction...
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May 2003 - How 'bout them weapons of mass distraction, huh?, Def Leppard, Michael Palin, another Silva, wireless networking, and a damned good raspberry margarita
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April 2003 - They're still French fries, dammit!, a new guitar for Andy, music-music-music
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March 2003 - The buildup for, and the protesting against, war
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February 2003 - The destruction of the Columbia, the National Day of Poetry Against the War, hard and soft atheism, Pete Townshend, and the gift shop
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January 2003 - Christmas loot, "Swingin'," more war talk
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December 2002 - The year in review, moving again?!?, moving world leaders around, too
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November 2002 - "Scarlet's Walk" and Tori's penguin, jackasses, and killing in the name of...
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October 2002 - Boston, Aimee Mann, and Palpatine/Bush
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September 2002 - George Darius Bush and George Xerxes Bush
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August 2002 - Movin' out of Paisan-town, and far away from the Regal Beagle
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July 2002 - Church and state: you gotta keep 'em separated, Dubya still doesn't want to play nice with the rest of the world, John Entwistle's gone
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June 2002 - Movin' on from town to town, Dave Barry and the Rock Bottom Remainders
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May 2002 - Science fiction movies everywhere!, jail time for virus creators, Dubya finally learns to pronounce 'occupation,' Andy gets a promotion?!?
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April 2002 - Terrorism on both sides of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, people who don't interact with me or the Web site, "For Dana" to be released on a compilation CD
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March 2002 - Chip implants, the children of God and the followers of Christ commit murder in His name, ultranationalism American style
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February 2002 - Dubya says, "These pretzels are making me- ack!" Sharon continues playing Napoleon, and... the return of Foogar?
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January 2002 - Rob Zombie, Ozzy Osbourne, and other Christmas-related items, stealin' cars, karaoke!
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December 2001 - George meets his sweet lord, terrorists EVERYwhere!, Tomb Raider II finished finally, and the Segway, finally!
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November 2001 - Anthrax (the band), WSOU rocks - but for how much longer? and a minute of silence?
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October 2001 - Osama bin Laden and anthrax and the women who love them
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September 2001 - Governments and armies and the assholes who love them, more misspellings, and a large lack of feedback
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August 2001 - Dubya's isolationism, the Macedonians and Albanians search for peace the Israeli/Palestinian way, 2004 Olympics in Beijing
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July 2001 - Not the Sexiest Geek Alive, war (what is it good for?), murdering citizens American-style
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June 2001 - A dead hitchhiker, the Taliban, and an independent Senator Jeffords
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May 2001 - Joey Ramone's dead, and "Joey Ramone's Dead"
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April 2001 - Brazil (not the Terry Gilliam film), Dubya and carbon dioxide, Yugoslavia begins coming to its senses, Israel and the Palestinians still haven't come to theirs...
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March 2001 - New look for the Web site, upcoming vacation in Brazil!, the pig-headed Taliban, "Hannibal"
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February 2001 - Tomb Raider II, Dubya plays with his new toys, nature plays with El Salvador and India, and the inevitable Chechnya and Israel/Palestinians references
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January 2001 - Snow, a new year/decade/century/millennium, screen resolutions
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December 2000 - The iBook, "The X-Files," the Grinch, the pathetic turn of events in the U.S. elections...
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November 2000 - Got the iBook! the Village Parade, trouble still brewin' in the Mideast, the upcoming U.S. elections...
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October 2000 - Andy turns 30, the Middle East, the anniversary of the invasion of Chechnya...
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September 2000 - A random act of kindness, Great Adventure, new music, new iBooks?
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August 2000 - Palestine and the Israelis, Milosevic, Speight, and breaking the speed of light!
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July 2000 - Israel & the Palestinians, the missile defense shield, and (who'da thunk it?) Chechnya
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June 2000 - Um, Chechnya again, gun-totin' Charlton Heston, misspellings, and xenophobes
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May 2000 - Communism on the last May Day of the twentieth century, and Andy's life ("Don't talk to me about life...")
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April 2000 - Hold on, it's more Chechnya rantin', and an appeal on behalf of a friend caught behind red tape
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March 2000 - Hey, hey, Pinochet, Russia and China won't go away, "The X-Files," the American presidential race, and a prelude to vacation
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February 2000 - Again with the Chechens, and Elián, Pinochet, mp3.com vs. the recording industry, and snow
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January 2000 - Made it through January 1st, Syria and Israel, public transportation, and, er, Chechnya
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December 1999 - Indonesia comes apart, Chechnya (no shit), Seattle's burning, 'n Happy Xmas
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November 1999 - Halloween, my bad knee, Russians? in Chechnya?!? Buchanan and the Reform Party, NIN
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October 1999 - Hurricane on the East Coast, earthquakes in Taiwan, Turkey, and Greece, and Apple Computers
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September 1999 - I'm not getting you down, am I? I'd hate to think I was getting you down...

- - - the Dark Ages (reprise) - - -

April 1999 - the return of Vitriol, Kosovo, a foreshadowing of the Russian invasion of Chechnya (!), and Libya

- - - the Dark Ages - - -

September-November 1995 - the Underground Press Conference, a co-worker bites the dust, Rabin really bites the dust, Remington Bond, Win95, and the Sex Pistols
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August 1995 - the death penalty, the V-chip and violence in pop culture, and "TV Nation"
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June 1995 - Oklahoma City, 'zines, "The X-Files" and "V.R.5"
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March 1995 - I'm sick!, the space program (ha), alt.zines, "Star Trek" and "Voyager"
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February 1995 - the very first Vitriol! Newt Gingrich, political correctness, media overkill, Howard Stern, the Apple goon squad?
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