Being...
the adventures of a youngish man whose principal interests are knowledge, beauty, and music

© 2005 by Andersen Silva (11-3-05)

If she knew what she wants (he'd be giving it to her),
  If she knew what she needs (he could give her that, too),
If she knew what she wants (but he can't see through her),
  If she knew what she wants
He'd be giving it to her, giving it to her...

I'm finally starting to feel old.

For years and years, I told people that I'd made a conscious decision to be 18 forever. Sure, I'd wake with my share of aches and pains after strenuously exerting myself, and I do occasionally have problems with my knee, but when people guess my age, they always guess I'm at least five years younger than I really am. I still have a full head of hair, as mentioned in "Joey Ramone's Dead," and I don't think there are any greys in the bunch.

But last month, Gina, the love of my life, told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She'd told me that before, actually, about a year ago; soon, though, we were talking on the phone every night again, and we still managed to get together for Christmas and for sushi, even if it wasn't as frequently as before. But this time is different, and it's hurting my heart.

It doesn't make sense to me. I know she cares about me. She wouldn't have given me a silver chain and a heart-covered chocolate cake on my birthday if I were just some guy. And I know she doesn't want to hurt me, but she has, and I can't pretend otherwise. I'm not sure she knows what it is she wants right now... There's a powerful bond between us, has been for quite a long time, and I don't want to believe that it's been compromised because she doesn't feel like she wants to be in a relationship.

If it has, if it's truly over, then so will be my faith in love, about the only faith I have left. Gina is the prettiest woman I've ever had on my arm, and I don't think that will ever change. The world lost much of its color when she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore... and I'm finally starting to feel old. I have to consider the probability that I'm not going to have someone with whom to grow old, after all. It had taken a long time for me to start feeling optimistic, and now I'm sinking towards depression again. Some days I eat too much, some days not enough; some nights I'm up 'til 1 and get up at 4:30, other nights I'm in bed by 10 and can only rouse myself around 6.

Well, the Ovation guitar I ordered is ready to be shipped to me, which is good news, at least. Not having much to live for anymore, I suppose I'll throw myself a little harder into my music, and see how that goes. There are several songs inside, waiting to be written.

I went to the second-largest mall in America yesterday, Palisades Center. I'd taken a much-needed day off from work, and I'd meant to visit the mall for a long time, so I just decided to go. Did a little shopping at Barnes & Noble and Target; somehow, even after spending some time at both CompUSA and the Apple Store, I avoided buying any computer stuff. I did see a number of things I'd have liked to have bought my sweetness...

Barbara and I went to the Apple Store in Short Hills last weekend, where she was hoping to buy a new iMac, but they didn't have any in stock yet. D'oh. Maybe she's gotten the call from them by now... I have Virtual PC on my PowerBook, came in handy last month during NDC Health's big shindig for Lytec 2006. I'm sure I was the only one there who had it running on a Macintosh, and I know that a photo was taken showing the front of the laptop, with the Apple logo. Wonder if they'll use it somewhere. I've got BeOS installed in VPC, too, nice to see that it finally works. Having some trouble getting Solaris 10 installed, though.

The Arizona trip was nice. I was really taken with the views out there, and of course the climate was a nice change of pace. Rosmary, Robert, Mahj, and I had a good time visiting Red Rock State Park in Sedona, and we even learned a few things about the new product. I would definitely visit that part of the world again. Work itself has just been adding to the stress level, though, and I'm finding myself having not one but two cups of coffee most mornings.

Even Halloween couldn't cheer me up this year. I just wasn't in the mood to dress up, though Barbara and I did go to the City after work in hopes of viewing the parade. Unfortunately, while my bus made it through the Tunnel in normal time, it was then diverted the long way around, and I met up with Barbara later than planned. By the time we got to the parade route, it was just too crowded for us to get a decent spot; we tried for a while, then decided to just get something to eat and leave instead. Oh, well. I saw a Ghostbuster, good enough for me.
  - A (webmaster@andersensilva.com)


June 2006 - "Desperation," concerts, where's my music been?
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May 2006 - Nothing too exciting for Cinco de Mayo, fresh blood at Microwize, Apple v. Apple
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April 2006 - Late night at the office, a trip to DC
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March 2006 - Aimee Mann, fillin' up the iPod, science fiction, a trigger-happy veep?
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January 2006 - In the paper again, my own iPod, on my own
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December 2005 - Where is everybody?!? "Christmas Lonely"
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November 2005 - Arizona, the Palisades Center, alone again... naturally
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October 2005 - 35 and still alive, an Ovation and not a Tanglewood, anyone for tennis?
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September 2005 - The city of New Orleans, Rome, CBGB, let's joust!
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August 2005 - Microsoft Winblows, no Transit Village for you!, songs 'n guitars
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July 2005 - The Fourth, the Ozonic, "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"
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June 2005 - Lunch with Gina, a penguin from her penguin, hongry for Nine Inch Nails, "Episode III" and "Hitchhiker's"
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May 2005 - My new PowerBook, HHGttG, the end of the Astronomy Tip of the Day
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April 2005 - The Children's Museum, the Philadelphia Museum of Art, the Dark Tower, the Dell
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March 2005 - Snow, my sushi valentine, technical difficulties (please stand by)
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February 2005 - It's BSD, it's dynamite! the Dalai Lama, Zhao Ziyang, fruit with "Raymond"
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January 2005 - A frightening New Year's, spaghetti and meatballs (and Christmas gifts!) with Gina and Hannah, Samichlaus
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December 2004 - A fun evening with Gina and Hannah, test-taking, partaking of the library
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November 2004 - A lot can change in twelve months
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October 2004 - My birthday and my honey
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September 2004 - Anniversary, spreadin' the word about the CD, dumb E-mails and the women who send them
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August 2004 - Philadelphia freedom, the album is finished, where did my parents go?
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July 2004 - Together again!; playin' guitar in the park, promoting the album
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June 2004 - Mother's Day, Gina's day, preparing the CD... don't dream it's over. Please don't
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May 2004 - Gina being so far away from me, chicken cordon bleu, Macintosh consulting, the album
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April 2004 - No more Vitriol, lovin' and cookin' for my pretty baby, upgrading to a Treo 600, working on my music
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