Excerpts from Ozzy the Cat's Journals

10-25-03
i dont knoe whut to sae. Ozzzy is gon, and Riky and I are at a loss.He wus sumtimes a harsh bosss, but we liked him and we will miss him a lott. Now i have to figyer out how to explane this to the Bruzilien govurnmennt.

10-22-03
OK Riky I think i got it.. Hi evrywon, this s Roky. You knoe, the raccoon. Ozzzy the Kat wus takin to the animul hosspitul yesturdae, and he toled me that his kidnees arnt wurking rite. Hes going to be spending the nekst phew daes thare. Lets awl wish him a speedee reacuvurie. In the meentime, Riky and I haf to find anuthr wae to lawnch this roket..

10-19-03
It was close to 1:30 AM when the Provider returned home. He slept fitfully and only in short spurts, which was no good for my own rest, much-needed these days. I haven't been feeling quite myself lately. Perhaps it's the anxiety over this dratted rocket.

10-17-03
A Friday night, and he's still going through boxes... He's even put his books into boxes! What can this mean? Such strange behavior...

10-16-03
The Provider was home late the night before last, and last night he didn't come home at all. Is it so difficult to pick a schedule and stick with it?!? I can't plan anything any more! And I don't know how I'm going to get access to Solaris, but I must, as the Brazilians are getting anxious for a progress report on the Feline-3 rocket, and I haven't been able to test-fire one yet.

10-13-03
He certainly has been spending a lot of time going through his, erm, stuff lately. Not really the time of year for spring cleaning, now, is it? I don't know why he's throwing so much out, and repacking the rest...

10-11-03
The Greens were over the house today; the female, Dawn, made some cryptic remark about moving, but I didn't think they were unsatisfied with their home. Well, no matter. While the four humans were out for several hours, Rocky and I tried logging in to both the SPARCstation and the SGI, to no avail. Why must the Provider make things so difficult?!?

10-8-03
The Provider has been coming home a bit late, and will apparently be late again tonight. What I really need, however, is for him to log in to the SPARCstation as 'root' and leave it on. It's going to be difficult to get this launch program on that box. Today was the Panty Queen's 33rd birthday. Harrumph. I don't seem to get any special treatment at my venerable old age...

10-5-03
Bother. When I want him to be home, he stays out two, three days at a time. When I need some time and space to myself, then he decides to stay in. Well, I've gotten two groundhogs to write a Unix program to handle the countdown and launch of the prototype rocket; now I've got to get the software installed, preferably on the Solaris box (I'd actually rather use the iBook, but I doubt I'll get the opportunity).

10-2-03
I've got a new Feline-3 model to test! I haven't yet decided when or where to test it, however, and I'm not at all certain I want to let the raccoons handle it this time. I must give this some thought.

9-29-03
Is he not going to be home today, then? I've been saving up for an especially gooey hairball, just for his birthday. Oh, bother...

9-27-03
The Provider did come home last night, but it was rather late; I don't appreciate having to get up from the Panty Queen's bed at 2 AM so that I can join him in his. Still, the responsibilities of the office..

9-25-03
He never came home the night before last, once again. While he did return last night, bearing food (finally!), I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Where could he possibly be going that's more important and fun than staying home and serving me?

9-21-03
Since when is the Provider so interested in Tibetan Buddhism? Apparently, he's just seen attended his second talk by the Dalai Lama in a week. It must be a ruse; the two of them are probably conspiring to put an end to my operations! Well, I will not let them interfere with the progress we're making on the Feline-3...

9-20-03
Um, excuse me, but hasn't anyone noticed that my food supply is running perilously low? I'll hunt if I have to, but it won't be pretty.

9-18-03
All right, this is utterly preposterous. Either he has lost his marbles, or he is trying to make me lose mine. After being away for six nights, the Provider came home for one, and then disappeared again for the next two. He's here now, but for how long? Perhaps we need to consider eviction proceedings. This kind of behavior cannot be condoned...!

9-16-03
Just as I was planning on utilizing the PowerMac 7500 and the Solaris box to run some simulations of the new rocket's stages, home comes the Provider. Still, it will be nice to sleep on him again. He wouldn't let me into his case until after he'd unpacked it, but at least I was able to leave a layer of hair for the next time he goes away. Wouldn't want him to miss out.

9-14-03
How utterly ridiculous! Who even knew that squirrels smoked?!? Well, I'm not paying for this one. And I really don't understand why Ricky felt the need to make a squirrelskin cap...

9-12-03
I suppose I shouldn't complain too much about the Provider's absence. While it does disrupt my sleeping schedule, it's also given me time to draw up what I think are fail-proof plans for the Feline-3. Ricky and Rocky have gone out to find some metal for the shell, and some of the squirrels are siphoning gasoline for fuel. I'm not at all sure I'll be using gasoline, but they were eager to help, so...

9-10-03
Oh, so now he's gone for several days... Harrumph! He was out most of the day yesterday, and this morning he departed with a bag and a case, which can only mean that he's going away for a while. Why does no one ever think of the cat, hmmm?

9-8-03
What the deuce is the Provider up to?!? He again failed to return last night, and only arrived home late this morning! I don't understand all this coming and going, but it's really going to have to stop. My sleeping patterns are beginning to get affected!

9-5-03
I met with a representative from the Brazilian government today, a brightly-colored bird who didn't seem to have too much to say on his own, though he did have the annoying habit of repeating much of what I said. Well, hopefully he got the gist of my plans and will convey them accurately.

9-3-03
The Brazilians have shown an interest in funding my research into the Feline-3 rocket. I wasn't actually planning on doing any further research, but, if someone else will pay for it, then I suppose I can give it another whirl.

9-1-03
I don't know what the occasion is, but both the Provider and the Panty Queen were home all day today, and he even shared his company with me for hours upon hours. I sat on his lap, he petted me... I really do wonder if something happened to the real Provider last week!

8-29-03
Well, he did return last night, though I'm not sure he's the same man. He's certainly more tired than usual. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear he was considering taking a nap this evening.

8-28-03
Harrumph. Oh, they took the little one away, all right... but in the process the young woman with her seems to have taken the Provider as well. If he doesn't return in the next few hours, this will be the third night in a row where he wasn't home, and frankly I'm getting tired of sleeping alone!

8-26-03
What is going on? Now there is a little human in the house, and she is terrorizing Chloe (not a problem, actually) and concerning me. I hadn't known that they came in such small sizes! I can't seem to make out her language, either; one word of every five or six sounds similar to English, but the rest... I just don't know. I found myself shut up in a bedroom for hours when they were here earlier, and I think Chloe is shut in one now. I ask you, is this really necessary?

8-24-03
The Provider had in his company last night a young woman I've seen before. I consider it very rude that I was eventually shut out of the room just because she was sneezing... and she didn't even spend the night! Is it so much to ask that I get to cuddle with a woman? Ah, well... His parents came by for a brief visit today, and it was pleasant to see them again as well. Needless to say, Chloe was not nearly as charming or personable towards the humans. More attention for me.

8-21-03
The Provider and the Panty Queen have been cleaning heavily tonight. That can only mean one thing: company...

8-20-03
I can't believe this. I'm being sued by Raul's family! Who knew he even had a family?!? But why should I be liable for his own- well, I hate to be uncharitable, but his own stupidity? I suppose I can't really talk about it at the moment...

8-18-03
What is it with Chloe yowling incessantly at the door while the humans eat outdoors on the porch? Obviously, they're still here, and haven't abandoned us! Does she have no patience whatsoever? Or is it that the disembodied voices scare her so? I don't get it.

8-16-03
Well, I must admit, the raccoons throw a much nicer funeral than the squirrels do. The late Raul, who met his end while testing my makeshift power line - with his teeth, was sent off in style! I especially liked the colorful and beaded masks, and of course the dancing. Not that I danced...!

8-14-03
Excellent! By gradually draining power away from the grid in the Northeast, I am finally able to test my new blue laser! I want to try to blow that pesky base off of Mars, before- Raul! What are you doing? No, don't-

8-12-03
It makes me nervous when he's up late, on the phone, and looking at me while he's talking. I'd best not sleep too soundly for the next few days...

8-5-03
Once again, the Provider oversleeps, and I am chastised for not rousing him! Since when is it my responsibility to ensure that the humans wake in time to prepare for their places of employment? I've got more important things to do! That reminds me: it's nap time...

8-2-03
Fed late again tonight, and as far as I can see, it was only because the humans took their time coming home. Bayonne? Who takes a scenic drive through Bayonne?!?

7-31-03
I overheard the humans talking about the Provider's plan to find an apartment with that Jon fellow, and the Panty Queen said something about how I could always stay here at the house without the Provider. That set me thinking...

7-29-03
It seems that the Provider was caught up in the web of ineptitude at New Jersey Transit again this evening... He didn't arrive home until after midnight, after an Amtrak train pulled down power cables and shut down the Northeast Corridor for a while. Oh, well. I was still fed on time by the other human, so it wasn't a big deal.

7-27-03
Ugh, what an unbearable weekend! First, the humans were out all day Friday, attending another of their rock concerts, so we weren't fed until nearly midnight! Then the Panty Queen was out for most of Saturday and today, so the Provider decided to use the time to work on his 'music.' Chloe and I had to endure hours and hours of it, and to add insult to injury, I had to endure it from outside the room, as he'd shut me out! Is there no justice?!?

7-24-03
Hmmm... The Provider has been reading a book, a history I believe, about rings of power, and a single ring which commands all of them. It's been difficult to glean much from over his shoulder or on his lap, but I must learn more about these rings, and especially about the One. This could help me achieve my goals much more quickly and easily...!

7-21-03
You know, it's really rather rude that I get shut out of the bedroom simply because I'm not in there when the Provider comes home at 1:30 AM. I was forced to stand at the door and beg to get in to my food and water like a, like a DOG! What does one have to do to get service around here?

7-19-03
I'm not sure I'm hearing this story correctly, but it sounds like a raccoon was trying to enter the Matrix. It would probably be too difficult and ultimately unrewarding to explain that it's just a movie.

7-15-03
I don't understand why, when we've got a leak-free and (relatively) climate-controlled structure in which to live, the two humans insist on spending time out of doors. They apparently took their evening meal out onto the porch and consumed it there. It was driving Chloe berserk, hearing but not seeing them. Heh-heh...

7-12-03
Well, the Provider had a guest over briefly today, a young woman named Kelli. I was a bit hesitant when she first arrived, but then Chloe got very nervous around her, so that clinched it; I took to Kelli immediately thereafter. Heh-heh... When she returned with him hours later and tried her luck with Chloe again, the humans chided me for being too forward with the young woman. But who doesn't like having her calves licked?

7-11-03
Ugh! Tonight he arrived a few hours later than usual, reeking of two other cats...! Has the man no shame?!? He also smells a bit of tiramisu cheesecake, and of course there was none for me...

7-9-03
How rude! Not only was the Provider missing in action last night, when he finally returned this afternoon he bluntly admitted that he'd been sleeping with another cat! In fact, he smells of three different cats. I, I'm speechless...

7-6-03
The Panty Queen's friend, Stephanie, was over again this weekend. I didn't really get the opportunity to sit in her lap, and the humans all conspired to keep me from her room, but hopefully I managed to send her home with some cat hair nonetheless. She seems rather a good egg, and I don't think it's fair to deprive her.

7-3-03
Another of his dratted concerts, apparently; the Provider got in late again last night. On the plus side, he didn't reek of smoke, as used to be the case when he returned from a club or venue in New York City.

7-1-03
Damn, damn, damn! That's it, I think I'm going to have to give up on the mega-metabolizer for now. I couldn't help myself, and I tested it on the moose. Big, big mistake. Eventually, someone's going to notice the totalled cars hidden amongst the trees... I'm glad I didn't have to destroy the moose, too. We don't have a wood chipper...

6-29-03
Something is up. The humans (well, the female one, anyway) spent quite a bit of time this weekend cleaning up, which is always suspicious behavior. Methinks there may be company headed this way... I must brief the moose.

6-27-03
Prudence won out over curiosity. My test spider began to relapse and grow larger again, and though I sorely wanted to subject it to more tests, I eventually decided that it wasn't worth a potential slaughter and the ensuing media circus. Ricky had been itching to use the flamethrower anyway. Of course, Rocky's none too happy, but he'd only laughed when I told him he was standing too close. Now he looks like a ninja raccoon. Simonya giggled like a schoolgirl when she saw him as we were leaving...

6-25-03
Whew! That was close, too close. I managed to get one of the bigger spiders to ingest some of the new batch of mega-metabolizer. Well, the thing not only moved faster, it grew bigger! When it started eyeing me suspiciously, I had Rocky and Ricky make buzzing noises to distract it while I administered my test antidote. Apparently, the mega-metabolizer doesn't increase intelligence... The antidote seems to have made the spider slower than it was originally, though I'm note sure if that's just a temporary fatigue.

6-22-03
Dawn Green stopped by the house yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, her husband, Dave the Large, didn't come with her; he's always good for putting Chloe on edge. Well, more so than usual. Dawn didn't stick around long enough for me to convince her to sit down and allow me onto her lap, sadly, as she and the Provider went out, but next time...

6-20-03
Reprehensible reprobates! The humans were out of the house all day long, and so I- er, we got our suppers over six hours late! It didn't sound like the absence was unexpected on their part, so why couldn't they have planned around it? No one ever thinks of the cat...

6-19-03
Early this morning, I watched one of those little eight-legged beasties crawl its way onto the Provider's hand and bite him. I suppose I should have done something to prevent it; the human was very irritated to find a sore and swollen spot on the webbing between two of his fingers. But it was interesting to watch, and I'm considering trying the mega-metabolizer on spiders now.

6-16-03
Hmmm, perhaps the problem is with the squirrels and not with the mega-metabolizer after all. I think I'm going to have to test it on a different animal. Chloe's too jumpy and suspicious, so I won't be able to slip it into her water. (Besides, I often enjoy drinking her water.) As much as it pains me to say it, Rocky and Ricky are too valuable. No one wants to see an elk moving at several times its normal speed, so that's out of the question. Hmmm... I'm going to have to ponder this.

6-14-03
I do wish the Provider wouldn't change his appearance so drastically! I hardly recognized him when he came home last night; his long hair had been removed, and he was left with short spikes. I've seen him with this look before, of course, but it's rather disconcerting to see him go from one to the other in the course of a single day. I almost hit the panic button, thinking that the feds had finally learned of my mega-metabolizer. Not that it would do them much good at the moment even if they did get their paws on it. There's a serious flaw in it somewhere...

6-11-03
I'm still chuckling...! The Provider and the Panty Queen were outside in the back yard yesterday evening trying to get a fire going in their pathetic excuse for a barbecue grill. While they did eventually generate enough heat to make some chicken edible, it was still a sad state of affairs, and even the starlings were gathered around to laugh at them.

6-9-03
I can't be certain, but I'm beginning to suspect that Chloe has been aiding Rocky and Ricky in sabotaging my equipment! How else could they have gotten their itchy little paws on the precipitator? It would also explain the difficulties I'm experiencing with the mega-metabolizer. I've got to pay out a pension to yet another squirrel family...

6-7-03
Those blasted raccoons have been playing with my precipitator again; worse, they've hidden it from me! Today's weather was apparently abysmal, and I was powerless to do anything about it. Fortunately, the batteries were low, and they drained completely by late evening. I suppose I should work on a jamming device, but I really want to get this mega-metabolizer stabilized first.

6-3-03
OK. OK, I can fix this. The mega-metabolizer seems to need some serious re-calibration. I had one of the squirrels take half a tablet. For five minutes, nothing. Then his tail began to twitch, he did a triple somersault in the air... and he burned away to ash. I may have set my sights a little too high.

6-1-03
There I was, resting peaceably on the Provider's chest this morning, when the Panty Queen opened the door and disturbed our slumber. If she's not going to let me spend the night in her bedroom, she could at least allow me to keep him asleep a few hours longer than usual...

5-28-03
One little piece of carbonized sausage is all she can bear to offer me... harrumph! I may need to find an alternate food source if I'm going to test this mega-metabolizer myself; otherwise, I I'll burn up all my energy far too quickly.

5-27-03
I thought those two were never going back to work! They were hanging around the house all weekend long - and it was a three-day weekend. I'd not have minded if they'd done more sitting still or lying down, but the Provider was flitting back and forth among different computers, and the Panty Queen was cleaning and doing laundry, and mumbling under her breath about an octopus. Made it damned inconvenient for me to get any work done; still, the mega-metabolizer I've been designing seems to be coming along nicely, at least in concept.

5-23-03
AGAIN with the concerts! If the Provider must subject himself to loud rock music performed live, why can't he do it during the day? I don't see why my sleep patterns need to be affected. He didn't get in 'til after 1 this morning, and it took me ages to settle in.

5-21-03
I wonder how difficult it would be to secure a place for myself on board a manned mission to Mars...

5-18-03
It's really not fair. Chloe and I are in complete agreement on this. At nearly midnight last night, suddenly he decided he was going to work on his music again, and so for over two hours we had our peace assaulted by amplified instruments! And then again early this morning...! Has the man no courtesy left?

5-17-03
I can't believe he shut me out of his room for hours yesterday, just so that he could record another of those alleged 'songs' of his! Must he do that kind of thing here? Well, at least he's staying in tonight, and just generally laying about. That I can work with...

5-15-03
The Provider got in late last night, after apparently going to another of those rock shows he seems to enjoy so much; bully for him, but of course he never stops to think about my sleeping patterns... Tonight he went to see "The Matrix Reloaded," which concerns me. He's showing far too much interest in the concept of the Matrix. I've got to distract him somehow.

5-12-03
Oh, big hairy deal. So I accidentally took a small chunk of flesh (it wasn't even a pound) out of the Provider's palm early this morning. It barely bled! I don't think he had a right to be so angry, quite frankly. It's not even the biggest or the deepest cut he's ever received from me...!

5-9-03
How is it MY fault if he overslept?!? The alarm clock went off, the Provider's arm reached out to turn it off, he went back to sleep, and so did I. I was comfortable, and I didn't especially feel like being fed right then. Do I hold him responsible for waking me in time to pounce on Chloe? No! So why do I have to wake him, I ask you?

5-6-03
Oh, wonderful. I'm sure he's going to blame me for the failure of Mozilla to run under his Be installation, when it was in fact Rocky who deleted a dependency or two. Frankly, I have no interest in using Be; but I must get my hands on the root passwords for either the IRIX or the Solaris box!

5-4-03
The Provider rigged two of his Power Macintoshes up to the network and the Internet connection today, and upgraded the graphics board on the IRIX box. Try as I might to distract him, however, he never left any of them unguarded long enough for me to accomplish anything terribly useful. Throw a cat a bone, would you?

5-2-03
To add insult to injury, now they're claiming that Chloe has access to root on the Solaris box. I know this can't possible be true; she wouldn't know what to do with it anyway. Still, it rankles the old nerves...

4-29-03
I think he does it just to taunt me. The Provider has managed to share the Internet connection with his iBook, the Solaris workstation, the IRIX box, and even Windows 98, Linux, and the Be operating system on his IBM Wintel system, as well as the Panty Queen's iMac... and yet I'm still not allowed access to these machines! Ah, to have root access to a Sun workstation...

4-28-03
Oh, that was a bad idea. Very bad idea. If Baghdad weren't already such a mess, people would undoubtedly be asking questions, like "Have you ever seen a missile like that before?" and "Is it just me, or did that look like a raccoon painted on the side of it?" Note to self: brainstorming with Rocky and Ricky, bad idea. I think that's the end of the line for the so-called Feline rockets, too; I've had nothing but problems with them.

4-26-03
What the- They're gone AGAIN! Is it so much to ask that these people just sit still in the same place, or at least the same building, for more than a few hours at a time?!? Considering the bags both lugged out of here, and the enormous portions of food left out for Chloe and myself, I imagine we won't see them again until tomorrow night, or perhaps even Monday. Harrumph! Fine, I think I'm going to invite the raccoons over for some brainstorming...

4-23-03
Ah, they are both out feasting their eyes on yet another talkie. Which means that I can do some more work without interruption. Well, there's still Chloe... Get down from there! Bad cat!

4-22-03
Excellent! The humans have decided to take in a cinematic feature this evening, giving me the time and freedom to work on Feline-3 unhindered. Other than the guidance system and the payload, it seems to be going rather well...

4-20-03
He did finally come back home last night. Already I'm wondering why I missed him. I mean, she can neglect my needs as well as he can, plus she spends more time in a prone position. If it weren't for the fun of trying to keep him awake at night, I should much rather be with the Panty Queen.

4-19-03
NOW where has he gone? In the name of the dog, that human travels a lot! He never came home last night, though the Panty Queen doesn't seem terribly surprised. Of course, they probably planned this together and kept it a secret from me. Well, as long as I get fed, I suppose...

4-16-03
The Provider is still attempting to deceive visitors to his Web site by making outrageous claims of playing tennis (and other games) with a certain Simonya Popova. What an extravagant liar! The truth, of course, is that Simmi and I spent a few hours together cuddling on the couch once or twice. She never even looked at him! And, really, unless he's going to provide one with shelter and sustenance, why would one look at him?

4-13-03
Def Leppard? Again? Why anyone would be interested in a large feline that can neither hear nor spell is completely beyond me. Besides, the Provider has already seen it! Surely he could just describe the big cat to the Panty Queen and save them both some money that would be better spent on equipment (or at least food) for me...

4-9-03
The snow wasn't as bad as it could have been. Still, it was bad enough. I had to give a very stern lecture indeed to Ricky and Rocky. Then they started giggling as I was trying to make a point. I really don't know why I bother. Really.

4-7-03
Well, they did eventually come back last night, and without Alex and Pagan, so that was a relief. This morning, a friendly Haitian came over and did some rooting around in the attic space with some cable; fortunately, he didn't seem to notice any of my equipment up there. When he was done, the iMac had high-speed Internet access; as much as I tried, though, I couldn't hypnotize him and get him to add the Solaris or IRIX boxes to the connection. Blast. And now it's snowing again, rather a lot. I hope those raccoons haven't gotten their paws on my precipitator again...

4-6-03
Where ARE they?!? I'm glad the two extraneous felines are no longer with us, but why haven't the humans come back yet? Oh, no, I hope they haven't decided to abandon us and go live elsewhere with those cats...!

4-5-03
YES!!! The Provider and the Panty Queen have packed up those menaces Pagan and Alex and taken them away by automobile! Finally! I've still got to deal with Chloe, but that's much easier when my concentration isn't split three ways. Oh, happy day!

4-4-03
In retrospect, I was a little harsh with Ricky. I'm sure he'll heal just fine, though; you can barely smell the burned fur anymore, anyway, and it makes for an interesting pattern...

4-1-03
Ricky told me that the Chinese are preparing to declare me the new head of the Communist Party there! How fortuitous! This could be the answer I've been looking for! With their manpower and resources, I- What? April WHAT Day?!? RICKY!!!

3-28-03
Ah, the Balkan woman was quite nice. It was also enjoyable to watch Alex fidget uncomfortably as he saw the newcomers paying attention to me. The Provider really must bring more of his acquaintances over...

3-27-03
Er... I must learn to stop putting so much faith in those blasted raccoons. One missile ended up in a different country altogether, and the other... well, let's hope no one ever connects the incident with me. I'm not even sure we can extract my device from the camel now, but that unsavory task I will happily leave to Rocky Raccoon.

3-25-03
I believe I may have constructed a device which allows me to control the flight of a Patriot missile! Unfortunately, it needs to be within 100 miles of the projectile in question. Rocky (the dog help us) claims to have a way to get it in range, but we shall see. This could prove interesting.

3-22-03
Ah, that nice Stephanie person is over the house. I've even managed to sit in her lap briefly. It's good to get away from the regular humans once in a while, and since they won't let me out, I take what I can get.

3-19-03
I had to listen all last night to the Provider belittling me and the other cats! All right, Pagan is a dunce for bringing a live mouse into the house proper and then dropping it, but what's that got to do with me? I don't see why it's my job to dispose of mice when there are three younger, capable felines in the same room! The Provider once again found it necessary to catch the mouse himself. Yes, his reflexes are quite impressive - for a human.

3-18-03
I see that my dogs of war are performing admirably and more or less on schedule... Now, to get Sharon involved somehow...

3-16-03
Wonderful, yesterday the Provider rearranged his recording equipment in the bedroom, today the Panty Queen is rearranging the kitchen. I suppose these humans have too much free time on their hands.

3-12-03
Where was the Provider last night?!? Most inconvenient of him to refuse to come home and give me a place to sleep...!

3-10-03
Good judgment on my part, sending up that squirrel first. Now I have to supply his widow with nuts for a year, though. Well, better that it wasn't a feline on the Feline-1. I've got figure out what went wrong and construct Feline-2.

3-7-03
I can't decide whether or not it would be appropriate to send a raccoon up in the test model of the Feline-1 rocket. Chloe and Alex are both too smart to get in, and Pagan's just too heavy. I'd rather it be a cat, but... Oh, wait, the Springers down the street have some cats...

3-4-03
Wow, the Provider was upset this morning. Understandably so... Pagan and Alex were doing their ritual pounding on the door, tapping out "Feed us, duuude!" in the cat equivalent of Morse code, only I think they may have started earlier than usual. In any case, at 4:15, he growled, jumped out of bed, grabbed a can of compressed air, opened the door, and let them have it. No, he didn't give them the can, he sprayed them with it, whereupon they scampered away at high speed. When he came back to bed, I took one look at the expression on his face and decided I'd be better off just lying down this once, instead of standing on him for twenty minutes first.

3-2-03
The Provider spent several hours tinkering with one of his Power Macintoshes today. I don't know why. I wish he would get that Silicon Graphics box running, maybe I could get into that one, since he won't let me use the SPARCstation. I hear IRIX is another powerful operating system. It's got to be better than that dog-damned Commodore 128...!

3-1-03
Wonderful. They're imbibing some grape-based alcoholic beverage and watching "Spaceballs" on DVD. All this technology, and they're using it to giggle and guffaw at Mel Brooks films. Well, as long as they're occupied, I should go draw up some plans for my Feline-1 rocket...

2-26-03
How utterly cruel! I was placidly sitting on the Provider's lap during their evening mealtime, and while he kept shoveling bits of chicken into his own mouth, he never once offered me a piece! And he scolded me whenever I made hesitant attempts to retrieve some for myself. Where is the humanity, I ask you?!?

2-23-03
Hmmm, this band Shonen Knife has given me an idea... I'm not very fond of Jonathan Richman, however. Turn that off!

2-19-03
Ricky told me nonchalantly this evening that Saddam Hussein is dead, has been for quite some time; the person everyone thinks is Hussein is actually Ronald Raccoon in a specialized human suit. I'm still not sure if I should be amused, outraged, or terribly frightened... Well, at least Rocky and I managed to take out the precipitator and stop the blizzard from getting any worse. I just wish I knew where the problem was.

2-17-03
I can't prove it, but I'm convinced that those raccoons have mangled my precipitator! The East Coast is buried under snow, and the machine is apparently still going. I'm hoping I will be able to modify my laser rig enough to shoot the precipitator out of the sky before serious damage ensues. Oh, those raccoons will pay for this...!

2-16-03
My precipitator seems to be working rather well. I had Rocky launch it earlier this morning, then turned it on; the cold air caused it to produce snow, as predicted. Not entirely sure how I'm going to use this device, but it has, I believe, great potential. I received some confusing telemetry after turning it off, however, and I'm not certain that it is off...

2-13-03
All right, for Ricky's sake, I will clarify: I didn't mean that I was going to look at the blue laser. That would destroy one's vision. What I was trying to say was that I would get back to working with the laser once more. Now keep those goggles on, raccoon...

2-12-03
Well, another two days of constant human presence... The Provider was home all day on Tuesday, while the Panty Queen didn't work today. Maybe tomorrow I can start looking at that blue laser again.

2-9-03
I take it back. Three full days with four cats and two humans around the house has proven to be a bit more than I can stand. Granted, the humans went out on occasional forays, but these were brief, and of course Alex and Pagan always went into a feeding frenzy whenever they came home. I believe I shall relish tomorrow, when the other cats will sleep through the day again, and I can get back to work.

2-7-03
Oh, bliss! Oh, glee! The snowfall appears to be bad enough that the Panty Queen and even the Provider have decided to stay home from work! I can't conduct my geothermal experiments today anyway, so I can spend the entire day with them! Of course, the other felines will be vying for their attentions as well... I must create some diversion.

2-5-03
I hear tell that my noble face is now to be seen on ladies' undergarments. I'm not sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, it seems somehow offensive, yet on the other, I can't deny a certain titillation...

2-2-03
Rocky and Ricky bungled yet another job for me. I'm not exactly certain as to how he does it, but there's a creature in Pennsylvania known as Punxsutawney Phil who apparently has the ultimate say on how much longer the winter will last. As this house has been cold beyond belief these past two months, I sent the raccoons out to ensure that the rodent didn't see his shadow; instead, he saw three! It really is so difficult to find good help these days... Perhaps I should hire the woodchuck instead.

1-29-03
I must gain access to the Provider's computers somehow. The handful of times I've been able to get to the Solaris workstation while it was running, I couldn't do anything because I don't have the root password! It's also difficult, due to the lack of opposable thumbs (I don't want to hear it!), to work the KVM switchboxes, and the computer and monitor power buttons. And that Commodore 128! What a waste of silicon...! Not even a hard drive...

1-26-03
I see that Rainbow and cc are in the news again, despite my attempts to keep the cat-cloning quiet. If the experiment does prove to be successful in the long term, just think what I can do with several more kitties with my genetic material!

1-20-03
The masked marauders are at it again. I'm not sure which of the numbskulls cooked up this idea, but Ricky and Rocky decided that the cold temperatures we've been experiencing lately were perfect for a cryogenics experiment. Now I've got to find a way to thaw Raul out without damaging him. Too much. He does look interesting in a giant ice cube...

1-19-03
Those Green people (as opposed to green people, who don't visit this planet anymore) were over again yesterday. Since the Provider once again neglected to give me access to the Solaris workstation, I decided to join the humans in the family room for a movie. Chloe doesn't seem to be quite as nervous around the tall one anymore; I'll have to work on her neuroses. Hey! Where are you two going now? Turn the SPARC on before you go!

1-16-03
Alex is walking around with a small scratch on his nose. Everyone is joking about it and playing it off, but... I'm going to have to use some subliminal persuasion on the humans; Chloe needs to go to anger management classes, whether she or they like it or not.

1-12-03
I arranged to have the other three cats meet me on her bed. It was tense, but we managed to stay there for quite some time without anyone starting much of a fight. It doesn't seem to have hastened her transformation into a feline, however. It must be something other than our mere presence...

1-11-03
I think the Panty Queen is turning into one of us. She slept for hours and hours and hours, not waking until early this afternoon. There's an angle I hadn't explored: turning humans into cats. Hmmm...

1-8-03
Well, the two of them played that odd track of the Provider's, "Troll Doll," several times last night... It's not bad, but I don't see the point of repeated plays. Anyway, don't tell the Provider, but I caught Pagan sitting on the Sun keyboard, and, well, I just don't see how it could have survived such a brutal onslaught. Of course, since I can't log into the SPARC anyway, I couldn't check.

1-6-03
The dog take him, that Provider never cuts me any slack! He's finally, finally purchased and configured that Solaris workstation I've desired all these years, but he hasn't assigned me a username, and he refused to give me the 'root' password! It's not the same as any of his other usual passwords, or I'd have gotten in by now. Doesn't he trust his own kitty? Well, I'll get these asteroid-mining simulations running yet...

1-4-03
That big fellow, Dave (no, the other one, with no hair on his scalp but some on his face), was here briefly this evening, with his friend Scott and that Jon fellow. I must get them over more often, as the other felines seem to get rather nervous around them. I hear that Dave has a suit of armor; oh, the possibilities...

1-1-03
Well, that didn't take long. Shortly after 2 AM, the reunited Rocky and Ricky managed to ignite some chemicals in my lab and inadvertently created fireworks for New Year's. I knew that the explosions would begin again soon enough...

12-31-02
A brief overabundance of humans this evening... I suspect the Provider of trying to outnumber and overpower us felines. However, I believe they would have been no match for us had there been a showdown. Anyway, the humans were quite friendly and admiring, though Pagan was, as usual, hogging the spotlight. This after having hogged down several chocolates and cookies, with his partner-in-crime, Alex. Maybe I need to try putting them on a diet.

12-27-02
They did finally return yesterday morning, and the Panty Queen left for work shortly thereafter. The Provider stayed in, however, and was forced to play UN peacekeeper a few times. I don't know what Alex's problem is. Ever since I slipped a little Ex-Lax in his food bowl after his sobotaging of my journals, he's been quite irritable. Heh-heh-heh.

12-25-02
Where are they?!? Damnable humans, they were supposed to be back this evening. Even I am beginning to feel hunger pangs, as I haven't eaten in over thirteen hours now. That white substance they call snow seems to have coated the outside world, at least as far as I can tell through the window. Perhaps that is hindering the return of the Provider...

12-24-02
The Provider has packed up a bag and left, the Panty Queen is off at work, the other felines are agitating about being hungry... and Ricky just arrived via Raccoon Delivery Service COD! I don't know how Rocky got hold of her American Express Card, but I'm sure the Panty Queen will not see the humor or the holiday spirit in this. I only wish I'd gotten to the door first, I would've chased the delivery person away. In any event, Ricky looks well-rested and perhaps a little chubbier than before. He and Pagan had a short, mostly monosyllabic discussion about English food, and food in general. Now they're both clamoring about being hungry again.

12-21-02
Well, the Provider is busily wrapping up gifts, and Rocky is busily wrapping up a deal to get Ricky home for Christmas. I don't like the sound of this. Things have been so explosion-free lately, why should the raccoons want to change that? Well, I'm going to stay out of this one.

12-18-02
I'm going to have to find a way to lock that brainless feline Alex out! I can't believe he got his surfer paws on my journals... Well, I suppose the damage could have been far worse. Uh-oh, here comes Rocky, and he looks concerned.

12-17-02
Meow, dude. Meow. Like, totally, mrreowww! Ha-ha. Awesome...

12-15-02
WHY in the name of the Holy Dalmation are Alex and Pagan back in this house, and why did no one warn me of this turn of events?!? Now I'm going to have to spend my waking hours posturing with the former, and defending my food against the latter! I really think I should have been consulted. This cavalier attitude towards my work (and my well-being) is inexcusable!

12-11-02
I overheard Raul trying to convince Chloe that she wasn't using all four of her legs anyway... He was selling quite persuasively, and pushing the 'good deed at Christmastime' angle, but she wasn't buying. I'm afraid the whole thing has just made her more nervous than usual. In other news, Rocky has been contacting his Congressmen regarding getting Ricky back. Well, technically they're not his Congressmen and Senators; I paid to get Lautenberg in. Besides, I don't think U.S. Representatives and Senators really represent raccoons, or the rest of us quadrupeds (generally speaking, of course). I don't think the masked one has had any success...

12-8-02
Pudgy?!? He's referring to me as pudgy?!? Well, Mr. Provider, you're not quite as slender as I remember you being in the old days, either, but you don't hear me calling you names... Harumph!

12-6-02
Rocky is worrying me. He's already come up with, and rejected, several ideas for raising the money to bring Ricky back. A bake sale, a yard sale (using the Provider's and the Panty Queen's stuff), a pair of dark glasses and a tin can, a federal grant... I still don't see the urgency of returning that oaf to the States. But with the current regime, I suppose Rocky just might be able to persuade them to give him money for it...

12-4-02
The OUTRAGE! He shut me out of the room last night! And all because the poor, weak human is suffering from a cold... What better cure than a warm, furry cat on your chest, tapping at your nose occasionally to ensure that you're still alive? Someone needs to talk some sense into that man!

12-3-02
How perfectly ridiculous! I can't believe it! The dogs must be crazy! The Provider is planning on moving again...! At least it's not imminent, but it's still damnably frustrating. Hmmm, I seem to recall him and this Jon fellow charging balloons with static electricity and then sticking them to my fur. I don't know if I'm going to like this arrangement...

12-1-02
The humans have put up the annual jungle gym again, but I've just never been interested in climbing on it. Maybe if it were a color other than green... I admit I'm occasionally tempted to pull down one of the odd shiny trinkets adorning it (pawholds, I'd guess), but it really doesn't hold much fascination for me.

11-28-02
I suppose I should be thankful that I was given a little bit of turkey this evening... but, really! They were out for hours stuffing their faces, then they come home and have some of the leftovers, and all I get are a few throwaway scraps? And to top it all off, they smell of other cats, and of DOG! What's wrong with these people?

11-26-02
Ricky tried calling me collect today. Three times. I think Rocky may have accepted the charges while I was, erm, otherwise occupied. I don't want to be around when that phone bill arrives... Anyway, he seems to be missing home after all. The food is apparently bland, and it is colder there. I don't know how Rocky will get him back to the States, but frankly I don't care. Not my problem...!

11-23-02
Those nice Greens were over briefly today. I especially like the tall one; he seems to frighten Chloe, and that amuses me. :::mreowww::: I received a postcard from Ricky for Rocky today. The hapless raccoon seems to be enjoying his stay, though he's already fallen off a boat and into the canal three times, and I'm sure it's colder there, particularly now that the furnace has been repaired. There's a possibility that the raccoons were responsible for that problem, too...

11-22-02
It's c-c-c-cold in here! And that s-s-sweater not only did-d-dn't help much, it's emb-b-b-barrassing! This had better not g-get out...!

11-19-02
Uh-oh. It would seem that the reason no one's seen Ricky Raccoon lately is that he stowed away in the aging invaders' luggage and is now hamming it up in Great Britain. This just can't be good for international relations. I suppose I'm glad it's the U.K. and not Iraq, but still... Rocky is furious. Not because Ricky hid in the luggage, but because he wasn't asked to come along. Where do I find these animals...?

11-17-02
"Spaceballs?!?" All this high-tech equipment, and he uses it to watch "Spaceballs?" How anticlimactic...! I agree with Chloe, even Animal Planet would've been a better choice...

11-16-02
Well, the Provider was brought home early this morning by a different female, and he seems to have had a good time at another one of those music concerts he attends from time to time. Then he spent several hours today putting together the Panty Queen's new entertainment center for her. It's rather an impressive collection of audio/visual technology, I must say, including a wide-screen CRT television, a DVD player, and surround sound speakers. Hmmm, with a blue laser, I could possibly turn the DVD player into a DVD recorder, and use this to record a video message to be distributed to the world to prepare them for the eventuality of my rule. I'll have to look into this.

11-15-02
Blast his striped hide! The raccoon burst into my laboratory as I was simultaneously preparing another batch of my sleeping gas, a quantity of TNT (for demolition purposes), and a new hydrogen-oxygen mix which may make for a clean-burning fuel. While he was yammering on about his brother, I lost my concentration, and in a scant few seconds, a fire had broken out! Fortunately, we put it out relatively quickly, but the sleeping gas and all my notes on creating it were obliterated, and I'll have to start from scratch. And all this because Ricky has still not been found. "What's the downside?" I ask...

11-12-02
Hmmm, Rocky seems uncharacteristically concerned about not finding Ricky anywhere. I suggested, rather humorously I thought, that perhaps he'd fallen into the recycling bucket outdoors, but Tweedledee just muttered and went off to search the back yard. Well, now that the aging invaders have apparently left for good, having Ricky out of my hair for a while is icing on the cake! Of course, I've only got two test subjects left, but I think the sleeping gas is just about ready for prime-time.

11-10-02
Someone has got to rein that Provider in. After slacking off all weekend in his cat-worshipping duties, now he's running around cleaning and vacuuming. Of course, the commotion and the noise have got Chloe agitated, and twice now she's run right into me, which resulted in even more noise and commotion. Grrr.

11-9-02
How incredibly rude! He was recording all afternoon and evening, and when I offered some improvised vocal backgrounds to his "American in London" tune, he shut me out of the room! Harumph! Obviously, the man doesn't have such a good ear after all...

11-7-02
Awww, has the Provider had a bad day? Tsk, tsk! The sacrifices one must make to ensure for the comfort and well-being of one's deity- er, cat... Heh-heh. I'm sure this Bill Heller person can't be that bad, anyway. It's just a job, man!

11-4-02
Everyone apparently responded well to the new gas, including the Provider! This could be the tool for which I've been looking... I must find a way to tweak its duration, however; if it can keep a human under for twenty-four hours, that would be ideal. Not sure when (or if) the invaders are leaving this time, so maybe I will be able to test an enhanced version on them in a few days.

11-2-02
Well. The aging invaders are back. I should have known it was too good to be true. Ricky pointed out on Thursday that there were some bags still here which didn't seem to belong to either of the resident humans, and he was correct. At least they've all been out for several hours, and perhaps I'll get the chance to test out the refined sleeping gas tonight.

10-30-02
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You're not planning on wearing that in view of other people, are you? The Provider's garb is almost humorous enough to justify the lack of sleep he's caused me by working on it past 3 AM. I'm not sure what it's supposed to represent; some sort of odd tree is my guess. In any case, the thought of him willfully parading around in it is oh so comical! Heh-heh...

10-28-02
Ah, peace at last. All the humans are out of the house, and the three invaders appear to have been returned from whence they came this morning. I took the opportunity to test my sleeping gas on the raccoons, but Rocky just sniffed the air and complained of an odd smell, and Ricky... well, I couldn't be sure that he was knocked out by the gas as opposed to just taking another nap. Must run more tests, preferably on humans.

10-26-02
Erm. The human has apparently recovered, and I suppose I'm glad of that. But where did these other humans come from?!? We now seem to have five in total, which is far too many by my standards. Particularly when I'm shut out from all their beds but the Provider's, and since he's sleeping on that dog-damned futon again... I don't understand why there's also a flurry of unwelcome activity in this house. I never had to deal with activity when it came to the Pneumatic One...

10-23-02
Uh-oh, the Provider seems to be taking ill. You humans and your colds... The cure is quite simple, really. In fact, I have a batch of the antidote mixed up in my laboratory right now. But does anyone ever think to ask the cat? Nooooo...

10-20-02
Blue men? Is this a reference to a group of depressed humans, or ribald ones, or...? Oh, I probably don't want to know. :::snif:::

10-18-02
Well, those infernal raccoons have backed down on the Aruba plans, for now at least. I really don't know what's gotten into them lately. They never thought about things like vacations before... On another, more pleasant topic, I think I may have perfected a mild, fast-acting sleeping gas. Initial tests on the Panty Queen have been largely successful, although the Provider himself seems to have a natural immunity or something.

10-14-02
I am not sending two raccoons to Aruba! What madness is this! I suppose it's my own fault... but I will not cave in to their demands! And what is the big idea with those two humans changing the coloration of their dining area? They spent hours on it this weekend. And when I came around to investigate, I was promptly incarcerated! How incredibly arrogant!

10-11-02
Ricky wants to know when he and Rocky can go on vacation again. While the raccoons have mostly stayed out of my hair these past few weeks, it might not be a bad idea to remove them from the vicinity for some more time. Of course, I probably shouldn't have told him to start thinking about where they might want to go. They were on the Internet for hours last night researching...

10-8-02
Well, he's back. And I'm feeling much better. Just ignore the last entry; I don't know what came over me. Happy birthday, o Panty Queen...!

10-6-02
I can't believe I'm saying this, but... I, I miss that big lummox. The Panty Queen is nice enough, and she certainly gets horizontal more than he does, but there's just something about the Provider... Maybe he's a father figure to me. I never knew my father. He left when I was... well, actually, he wasn't even around when I was born, come to think of it. I guess I've always felt sort of abandoned...

10-4-02
By the dog...! So that's why that bag was filled with clothing and toiletries last night! Boston, eh? And without yours truly? Atrocious behavior... I'll not soon forget this unfair treatment!

10-2-02
My, but the Provider is arriving late from work these past few nights. Perhaps he's not as good at his job as he thinks. Well, so long as he continues to earn money for my sustenance and my research, and is available as a heat source overnight. I don't ask for much.

9-29-02
I shall never understand these pink freaks. If age is so important to them, and elders are to be shown respect, then why is he being treated so well today, when I am much older, and, I might add, wiser? Come to think of it, I don't remember the Provider ever doing anything for my birthday...!

9-24-02
That brute of a female feline has got to learn to relax! It's getting so that I can't even approach the refrigerator without her emitting all manner of unpleasant growls, squawks, and yowls. One would think that she'd have already come to the realization that I have no interest in her territory, that I don't think that small...

9-21-02
There goes the neighborhood... Rocky and Ricky are back from their little 'vacation' on Raccoon Island. They seem to have enjoyed themselves immensely; at least, the number of police reports filed in the area would suggest so. Ricky even got a tattoo, though how he convinced someone to put one on a raccoon, and to put one there, is incomprehensible to me. I only wish he hadn't shown it to me.

9-17-02
Now hold on just a second...! I am being maligned for allegedly failing to catch a mouse! While I heard the Panty Queen scream when she first discovered it, I quickly realized that the quadruped in question was a minister-without-portfolio from Rodentia and therefore had diplomatic immunity. I conveyed this to Chloe, who also refrained from further attacks against his person, and all was well; I even had an informal discussion with him about the possibility of a government contract. And then the Provider had to show off his vaunted reflexes and hunting skills by 'catching' the minister himself! It is most fortunate that he did so without injuring the Rodentian, or there would most assuredly have been a diplomatic incident... As it is, I am scrambling to contain the fallout from this shameful behavior.

9-14-02
That human, for all his alleged intelligence, still doesn't seem to understand how delicate his hairless pink hide is. In fact, the Provider is much pinker than usual this evening...! Perhaps I should take up some of the hair I've shed and make him a coat. :::snicker:::

9-11-02
I will pause during my morning squabble with Chloe today to devote a moment of silence to the innocent victims and the selfless heroes of 9-11-01. I suggest you do the same. Assuming you're squabbling with Chloe at the time, that is...

9-8-02
Another postcard, this one more legible than the first. "Dere Ozzie, we arr haveing a grate time on Racun Iland. The loculs arrnt as frendly as we ekspected, speshly when we go owt for dinner, but so far so good. Rikky"

9-4-02
I got a postcard from Ricky today. At least, I think it's from Ricky. Most of the ink appears to have been washed off, and the card itself is still damp. I wouldn't have thought there were postcards of Raccoon Island...

9-2-02
Why do these dog-damned humans insist on opening and closing the refrigerator door incessantly while I'm engaged in repose in front of it? I wonder if it's intentional. In any event, it's certainly irritating!

9-1-02
Well. This may just turn out all right after all. It seems that Rocky and Ricky took the truck they'd 'liberated' and headed for Raccoon Island! Of course, they actually tried driving it to the island. I suppose they can't be faulted for not understanding how to cross a body of water, seeing as how raccoons don't generally do that sort of thing... Once they'd extricated themselves from the sinking vehicle, they managed to cling to a passing ferry and finally made it to their 'vacation spot.' I don't know that the authorities have given up their investigation yet, however, and I'm also bracing myself for further updates from the island.

8-29-02
This just gets worse and worse. News on the grapevine is that Ricky overpowered a parks official and wrested away his tranquilizer gun. The man and his assistant were found hogtied and masked in the ladies' room in Sears. What wasn't discovered until several hours later was that their pickup truck was missing...

8-27-02
Ohhh, no, not again... I will never entrust a raccoon with anything more difficult than pouring me some water again. The humans didn't meet in Hopatcong after all, but at Rockaway Townsquare Mall. And that's where Raul released them. Initial reports indicate that there was a near-riot in the food court as people caught sight of the masked bandits. They were washing people's French fries, one by one. Ugh... I can't even decide whether or not I want to mount a rescue mission. Maybe it would be best to let the authorities handle them.

8-25-02
A second chance! Turns out that the Provider and the Panty Queen are meeting their friends out in Hopatcong again this morning! It was close, but I got Raul to grudgingly agree to put the carrier (with Rocky and Ricky in it) back in the trunk and to ride along in the back seat again. This time he won't forget to release them when they reach their destination. Ah, I can almost smell it...

8-22-02
Well. I just managed to convince Raul to go out and pop open the trunk of the Saturn, and sure enough, Rocky and Ricky were still in there, inside the carrier. I almost feel badly for them. Ricky's actually lost weight; his mask barely fits him anymore. Rocky is, as usual, aggravated. If I were Raul, I'd start migrating right now.

8-20-02
This cannot be good. Can't be good at all. I just saw Raul and asked him how everything had gone, and he gave me a puzzled look before his eyes went wide with shock and he shuffled away mumbling something about his lousy memory. I don't like the sound of this...

8-19-02
Yes!!! I managed to convince Ricky and Rocky that I'd booked them a vacation on Raccoon Island, but had to skimp on the travel. So I got them into one of the 'pet taxis' (a misnomer if ever I've heard one) and packed into the trunk of the Saturn, just before the humans headed out towards Lake Hopatcong yesterday afternoon! Raul, one of the migratory raccoons, went along hidden in the back seat, to open the trunk at an opportune moment and wrest the carrier out and get their 'vacation' started. Ah, it'll be nice to have some peace! I only regret that I couldn't convince Chloe to join them, but she never would have fit in that taxi with the two of them already stuffed in it anyway.

8-17-02
Must they spend the entire day indoors? I had plans, experiments to run, orders to place, but I can't accomplish anything with them underfoot! Wait, what's this? Ah, I believe they're finally leaving for some frozen dairy concoctions! Finally!

8-14-02
The Be Operating System?!? How... quaint. Sometimes I wonder at the Provider's mental state. Macintosh OS 9 and OS X are perfectly fine, why should he muck around with an extinct system? Next he'll try installing the Amiga OS...

8-11-02
That menacing female! That BRUTE! No, not the Panty Queen... Chloe! I was trying to engage her in a discussion of the benefits of cold fusion when she started getting cross and argumentative, and the next thing I knew, she'd lashed out and torn out some of my hair! This is such an outrage! And to add insult to injury, the humans didn't seem perturbed at ALL! Well, we'll see if I ever speak with that bruiser again.

8-9-02
Oh, they get to go out to IKEA and shop. They can peruse the furniture and the storage solutions and the food for hours. But do they bring along the felines? Do they even bring anything back for the felines? Nooooo... Harumph!

8-7-02
I'm glad to see that some progress is being made toward clearing this domicile of all the boxes and bags and things strewn about. It was rather difficult to pace and ponder with the obstacle course set up. I've made no progress on the 'raccoon vacation' front; PQ hangs on to that Amex more tightly than I'd assumed. I must find a way to rid myself of them for a while, though.

8-4-02
Wonderful. Now Rocky and Ricky want an all-expenses-paid vacation to Raccoon Island. Never mind that I've explained several times that it's not a resort or vacation spot. It generally takes so much to get something into their heads that it's almost impossible to dislodge something that's there. Maybe I can find a way to send them there anyway and keep them out of my hair for a while. Maybe I can send Chloe, too. Hmmm, I need a mask and the Panty Queen's American Express card...

8-3-02
Well, well, well, if it isn't the Provider... and ten tons of his stuff. I'm sure they had a blast hauling futons and dressers and boxes and milk crates full of those antiquated long-playing records down the steps of the apartment, into the truck, and then back out and into this house. Actually, it would appear that they haven't quite finished the job yet. Poor, pathetic, overheated humans...! :::snicker::: Hey, wait! You can't leave me here to go to a Polish festival! Come back! It's not faaaair...!

7-31-02
OK, bad idea, bad idea! Note to self: never, ever give alcohol to the raccoons again. The Bunsen burner and the test tubes I can replace, but it will take weeks for the elk's fur to grow back to normal, and even then he will almost certainly have scars. It is merely the slightest intervention of Providence that kept law enforcement from stumbling upon the scene. I'm no closer to understanding why alcohol is so popular amongst the bipeds, but I'm not going to risk another incident in trying to find out. I must not attract the notice of Pneumatic Lite, in any event.

7-28-02
What a damnable weekend! He forcibly put me into a portable prison cell and transported me to this place with no notice, no warning, nothing! All the equipment I hadn't had shipped is left behind! Hopefully, I can send the masked bandits to retrieve it for me later... The pneumatic one seemed upset to see me go, though she was also unable to prevent it. Anyway, she's been spending more time around a human male I would have sworn I'd seen at the apartment three years ago in the company of another woman, a relative of hers, in fact... I'm now forced to share the humans' attention with Chloe, that nervous and useless female tabby. Well, maybe I can utilize her as a test subject or something. But she's constantly in my way, and doesn't always take my hissing and growling as a signal to move. And I wish the Provider would stop referring to me as "crabby tabby!" It's so exasperating!

7-24-02
He came in late from dinner with a friend tonight, but not as late as I'd anticipated, and unfortunately I was forced to destroy my anesthetizing agent before he saw it. I'd hoped to 'knock him out,' as they say, and have him shipped via RDS SloCheap Service to a suitable location (say, Omaha) in order to remain here. By the dog, it's frustrating to have one's fate controlled by a biped!

7-21-02
I fear my time here, reclining on the pneumatic one, is drawing to an end. The Provider (of whose innocence I remain uncertain) has been packing and putting things away; obviously, he means to take his possessions and me away soon. I am powerless to prevent this. Unless... Hmmmmm...

7-18-02
Oh, so now it's the Macworld Expo... Why is it that I never get taken to any of these computer shows?!? I feel I'm being deliberately kept away from cutting-edge technology. Perhaps the Provider isn't as unaware of my plans as he seems; perhaps he's working for an agency bent on undermining and thwarting me. Perhaps there's a giant conspiracy...

7-13-02
The Provider and the pneumatic one went out for drinks again last night, and again she came home in an intoxicated state. One can only surmise that the Provider gets some perverse pleasure from seeing her in such a condition, else he would surely prevent her from reaching it. I may have to conduct some experiments on Ricky and Rocky to try to learn just what the fascination with alcohol is.

7-10-02
My matter transporter is taking shape, though I'm not quite comfortable enough to try it on a living being just yet. I did get an idea from something the Provider was watching the other day, though, and I might not be able to resist using the transporter to relocate some undergarments just a foot or two away from where they're supposed to be. Heh-heh...!

7-7-02
Oh, sure, rub it in...! The Provider is gloating over how he spent the evening of the Fourth of July in the company of three females while I only had one. Grow up! Still, it would have been nice to have been outdoors, under the fireworks, on a blanket...

7-2-02
Does someone tell him that his hair looks good when it's chopped short and forced to stand up straight with the aid of cosmetic products? At least I don't have to be seen in public with him... Now, I must set about ensuring that my laboratory equipment gets packed and taken to New Brunswick without his noticing.

6-30-02
Well, it almost makes up for the terrible treachery with the Commodore antiquity... This morning, the Provider and I watched the second half of the soccer war between Germany and Brazil. I must confess a certain lack of interest in these battles over inflated balls, but I was somewhat mesmerized everytime the ball sailed a long distance...

6-28-02
Look what the cat dragged in...! Really, he should know that he's getting too old to exert himself physically. The Provider looks like he's in need of some providing himself: health care providing. Heh-heh! That should teach him to try playing soccer...

6-26-02
Arrrrrrgh! A month of my finest writing, including priceless notes on gene splicing, and NOW, on the day the Provider went to the PC Expo, I learn that this 'computer' I've been using is a relic Commodore 128, and none of the work I'd done was saved anywhere! He didn't even have the disk drive, such as it is, plugged in! And don't even get me started on the lack of Internet access... It's not fair! I've lost it all...!

5-22-02
Finally! I see a new computer here, which the Provider has barely touched; it must be meant for my use. Granted, it's not literally new, it looks to be at least a few years old, but it's in working condition, and I'm not one to look a gift squid in the maw... I think I'm going to use this equipment for writing my journals from now on, rather than trying to get on the iBook whenever he deigns to leave it in reach.

5-17-02
Clones? What clones? And whom are they attacking? This sounds promising, I need more details...! By the dog, I should toss out that genetic material (if such is the correct term in this case) I extracted from those two raccoons a few months back. We wouldn't want clones made from that...

5-9-02
Why can't that blasted Provider sit still for more than a few years at a time?!? I've just been notified that we are moving yet AGAIN. This means that my laboratory must be relocated once more, and I have to fill out some of those dog-damned change-of-address forms if I want any of my deliveries to show up. I'll also have to adjust to the smaller pneumatic one. Why am I never consulted on these matters?!? Ohhh, no, that also means that I'll be with Rocky and Ricky again!

5-6-02
Hmmm, I suppose I should have sent Ricky home via RDS, the way he came, and not third class USPS. I've received several angry communiqués from my raccoon squad. Ah, well. This way was cheaper, and besides, I won't be seeing them again anytime soon...

4-25-02
All right, perhaps it wasn't fair, but I managed to trick that oafish raccoon into a box (amazing that some species are such slaves to stale croutons). He's on his way back to New Brunswick, and I can breathe a sigh of relief. :::sigh:::

4-22-02
Ricky has worn out his welcome already. Wait, now that I think of it, he was never welcome here, he just invited himself! Well, in any case, I'm tired of the off-key singing, the insistence on personally cleaning each piece of equipment, the endless hours of Lifetime Television...

4-21-02
Why do I sometimes disregard my initial instincts?!? I should have sent that RDS package packing... No sooner did I start loosening the tape around it when Ricky Raccoon burst out! Seems he was a little short on cash and sent himself out EconoDelivery, so the box was occupied for three days... And it smelled like it, too.

4-15-02
I received a package, a rather large package, via RDS this morning. :::shudder::: I can't decide whether or not to open it...

4-12-02
By the dog... I received a postcard from a very unhappy Ricky today. It was still damp... Anyway, he's figured out that the raccoons out in Hopatcong are interested solely in eating and fighting, and not at all in the future of the world at large. So now he wants to come back here. I only hope he doesn't remember the address.

4-8-02
I'm not sure if this is good news or bad... but Ricky seems to have stowed away again, in the vehicle of one of the Provider's other friends, a woman named Dawn. I'm not all that clear on where she lives, but I'm fairly certain that it's near neither my current base of operations nor Ricky's home with Rocky. When I asked him what he thought he was doing, he just snickered...

4-7-02
Ricky was almost spotted today! Luckily, the malfeasant remembered what I'd taught him, and he managed to purr and go chasing after one of those addicting foam balls before darting behind the couch, so I think he was mistaken for me. I have got to get him back home!

4-4-02
What was I thinking? Normal, indeed... Ricky stowed away in one of the Provider's myriad bags, and I had to wait for an opportunity to release him. The first thing he wanted to do, of course, was eat. Well, the second thing; the first thing was actually wash his food. Every last little noodle of the macaroni and cheese. I'll get Rocky for this...

3-31-02
The Provider is home again. The last of his equipment (and why does he need to carry so much equipment back and forth with him?!?) was brought back yesterday, with the man himself. Maybe now things will get back to normal...

3-27-02
He was here for a few hours this evening, and brought more of his gear back. The iBook, alas, he still refuses to give up. However, I'm hopeful that all the recent activity means that he will be returning to Nutley soon, and I will be able to continue my work with the use of the two Macintoshes. Of course, there may be a bit of a struggle to get time on the computers, but, I can deal with that.

3-24-02
Another visit from the Provider this afternoon... As he has begun to bring some of his inventory of items back to the apartment, I can only surmise that he will be returning shortly. And none too soon! I fear that the raccoons may have absconded with some of his wardrobe. He probably won't miss the Hawaiian shirt, but some of the other items, such as the Bugs Bunny tie, will probably be more conspicuously absent. I must persuade my maladjusted acquaintances to return these articles post-haste.

3-20-02
He finally made an unscheduled appearance today. Without the laptop. But at least he brought more of the gravel I require for my, er, litterbox. The pneumatic one, while perfect for laying upon, never provides me with this essential.

3-18-02
Well, I won't be doing that again. Not much point in going on a hunger strike when NO ONE EVEN PAYS ATTENTION! Grrr... And I haven't even seen that blasted Provider in days. I might have to have Rocky and Ricky procure me my own computer...

3-14-02
Day Five of hungger strike, and Im not sure I can kepp this up. It seams to be affecting my mental capacityy. I am not even curtain why I want to take over the werld any more... Besides, the new- pnu- the bouncy one hasn't even noticed how thin and hungry I have become.

3-12-02
The Provider stopped by the apartment tonight. At least, he tried to. I heard the chain on the door being pulled taut, but curse my size, I just could not reach it to release it and allow him entry. Of course, the pneumatic one was already asleep. I can only wonder whether he was coming back to ask for my forgiveness, and abandon those maladjusted felines...

3-11-02
Day Two of the hunger strike, and I'm feeling just fine. All right, maybe I can't race around the place for as long as I normally do, but a little weakness is too be expected, no? Still no sign that she's noticed anything different, though.

3-10-02
I've decided that the only way to make known my displeasure with current events is by going on a hunger strike. Surely, the pneumatic one will notice me wasting away, and alert my busy Provider, and he will come rushing home...

3-8-02
Harrumph. He stopped in today to pick up some more of his things. It almost looks as though he intends not to come back... The pneumatic one is certainly pleasant, and a comfortable pillow, but the Provider is my foil! Plus, I need the use of his computers... This ill-gotten Gateway does nothing for my work.

3-7-02
Where the blazes are you going now?!? I've just been informed that my so-called 'Provider' is leaving yet again, this time to watch over the home of his vacationing friend. For three weeks! And do you know what one of his primary duties there will be? Providing for other people's cats! The United Nations Security Council shall hear of this, rest assured!

2-28-02
I don't care if it's not a leap year, I've been leaping about the place all day! Hah! Takest thou that, keepers of the calendar!

2-23-02
I've now learned of my error in judgment, after losing yet another important parcel... It turns out that the Raccoon Delivery Service is not, as Ricky and Rocky tried so earnestly to convince me, a cheaper alternative to UPS or Federal Express, but rather a means of conveying actual raccoons around the world. No wonder I never got my vials of sodium pentathol! This debacle has cost me not only money, but time. Grrrrr...

2-14-02
Pish, posh, and bother! You bipeds make way too much of this 'St. Valentine's Day' rubbish! If humans had any sense, there'd be an Ozzy Day and I would get cards and gifts and food. But nooooo...

2-9-02
Must that dastardly duo known as Not An Exit work out their infernal music in my space while I'm trying to get work done?!? I've got half a mind to shelve my other projects temporarily and accelerate work on the short-range EMP generator. I tremble at the thought of having the raccoons involved in any way, shape, or form, however.

2-6-02
Well, it seems that there are a few who appreciate my journals after all. But, Ricky, I can spot your E-mails immediately. Most missives don't contain even one letter Q! Still, it's the thought that counts...

1-29-02
No, I haven't been writing in my journals much lately. I've been busy! If you enjoy them so much, why not let me know (ozzy@andersensilva.com), and maybe I'll make an effort to devote more time to it. But it doesn't seem that there are many of you interested in my attempts at global domination anyway...!

1-27-02
What a busy month...! UPS and Federal Express have both been delivering my orders too slowly for my taste, so I decided to try RDS instead. What a fiasco! The Raccoon Delivery Service lost two ultra-high frequency transmitters, delivered my bobcat genetic material to Germany, and almost caused a confrontation with U.S. Customs. Frustrating... At least this mobile-phone jammer seems to be working nicely...

1-1-02
The SLA threw a killer New Year's Eve party... I didn't even realize they had assassins. I think the Silvas had better beware... Rocky and Ricky thought that this would be a good way to introduce me to the rodentia resistance, and while I occasionally had to fight off the urge to close my jaws around a furry squirrel neck, all in all I have to say that things went well. At least, until the moose, intoxicated by too many tequila shots, started dancing the macarena.

12-30-01
Cat treats again... Well, I suppose it's the thought that counts. Besides, it doesn't seem likely that either the Provider or his pneumatic roommate would spend the money on a Solaris workstation for me, or a fully stocked biogenetic laboratory, or any of the other things I should really want. Wait, I think I hear cat treats being shaken in the kitchen! I'll be right back!

12-24-01
You went to see Ozzy WHO?!? There's another Ozzy? Well, he obviously doesn't have as much ambition as I do, if all he can do is sing heavy metal! I hope you didn't pay money for such drivel... There was a zombie there, too? Now that shows promise; if I can learn how to reanimate the dead, it might be easier to build an army...

12-16-01
Out carousing again, eh? Well, I'm sure your voice was worse than usual, given that you're still suffering from that insufferable cold... Why anyone would want to sing with you is a mystery, anyway! ...Oh, um, it's suppertime. Aren't you going to, er, feed the cat?

12-12-01
All right, I apologize. There was no need to shut the bedroom door on me. An entire night of not being able to work up the new ballistics calculations, because the computer was on one side of the door, and I was on the other! You are ruthless, Provider mine...

12-11-01
MUST you sniffle and cough and such around me? How filthy and disgusting! If you humans had better grooming habits, like felines, then perhaps you wouldn't be sick so often. It's pathetic...!

12-7-01
A large lack of blondes, I notice, o Provider most suave... Ha! Well, you're better off. The females of your species seem to treat the males of my species much better than those of their own. Though I'm always willing to try lying on new pneumatic ones... But, then, so are you, eh? ;)

12-3-01
I see a suggestion in the guestbook that I team up with an Alex to take on The Great Angry Rabbit. I don't think so. Firstly, I have no quarrel with T-GAR, nor am I especially fond of rabbit meat. Secondly, he seems to have a close relationship with one Skinny the Foo, and while it pains me to say it, it's best that I not rile that creature. Thirdly, I'm not even sure which Alex is being discussed. I feel certain it's not the 'surfer dude' cat, but there is another feline by that name whose photo hangs in the 'Other People's Cats' page (and whose idea was that, anyway?!? Other people's cats indeed...). There is also the human female Alex to whom the Provider has referred a time or two... Well, perhaps they should all get together and tackle the rabbit themselves, if they so desire.

12-1-01
I'm back! And with a few choice words and phrases for President Bush's military tribunals... though I suppose they should go unuttered, lest I end up before yet another of those instruments of quasi-justice. Now I know how Lori Berenson felt... Well, I paid her well for her- er, meeeow...

11-2-01
I just got an estimate for the one-week rental of a hundred bobcats, and I must say it's rather steeper than I'd anticipated. They're not that large...! And then I have to feed them, which will only add to the expense... I'm going to have to study this idea further. Maybe I should rent a small group for a day or two, to find out just how useful they can be to me.

10-29-01
No, I do not sound like Chloe when I say, "It's not fair!"

10-28-01
What is it with humans and parties?!? I mean, wouldn't the time have been better utilized in a game of Scrabble, say, or picking up litter from Nutley's many parks? Why must everyone make such an undogly noise here that I can't work? It's not fair!

10-25-01
Two weeks? Two weeks until what? No, scratch that, I don't think I want to know. In any event, Ricky and Rocky seem to have redeemed themselves by bringing word of bobcats that I can apparently just rent. My current plans don't call for an army of these fierce felines, but I'm going to have to give it some serious thought.

10-22-01
Well, guess who's home?!? O Provider most noble, how wonderful of you to grace us with your presence once again! Now where did I put those chains...?

10-16-01
These attempts to spread terror in the world are putting a serious cramp in my style. I must tread lightly (admittedly easy for a cat, though I'm not so certain about Pagan), for fear of being lumped in with the wrong crowd. Even my laboratory has been shut down for a few weeks; mustn't chance accusations of biological or chemical warfare preparations. Ah, well, back to the Super Supper. What?!? No Super Supper?!? These conditions are barbaric!

10-11-01
Who's coming? What are you chattering about? Sometimes even the Provider is a rambling idiot... I apologize for the late appearance of the past month of journal entries; it appears that one of my transmitters were regrettably located on one of the World Trade Center towers.

10-7-01
The hypnosis serum definitely needs to be tweaked. And I need to either sternly discipline my young raccoon associates, or disassociate myself from them. The things Rocky made Ricky do under hypnosis...! Vulgar, really.

9-30-01
All right, I confess: I'm confused. It was the Provider's birthday, yet the two females got drunk. Then at some point in the morning there was a quick game of musical beds, and Birthday Boy arose at 8:30 AM. The others didn't get up until 11 AM and 12:30 PM (though I was napping myself and don't know which of them woke first). Who can understand humans? Who would want to?

9-29-01
Oh, BIG DEAL! It's his birthday again? And who in her right mind would send the Provider flowers, anyway? Why don't I get gifts delivered to me?

9-22-01
Blecch. I don't know what the pneumatic one was imbibing night last, but it obviously didn't agree with her. I haven't heard that much regurgitating since the Pagan-Phred hairball contest. :::shudder:::

9-21-01
Hrrmph. Even Despite my obvious lack of malicious intent, the Federal Bureau of Investigation decided to hold me for questioning. For nine days! Outrageous! I don't know anything about al-Qaeda or terrorists in general, not my sphere of influence or interest. Well, I believe they were finally convinced, but in the meantime my work and my journals have suffered.

9-11-01
What a horrendous crime... Let me state for the record that, while I aim to control the globe someday (and soon), my plans do not include wholesale slaughter of innocents. That is horrendous and unpardonable, and how anyone could possibly live with him- or herself after being involved with such an act is incomprehensible to me.

9-8-01
I should have known better. Note to self: from now on, give no completed formulas or equipment to Ricky and Rocky. Who knew that two addle-pated raccoons could cause so much damage with a few hypnotized mongrels? I pray the trail doesn't lead back to me... Someone's going to have to pay for that...!

9-2-01
The lemurs seem to be ready and willing to lend their aid to my endeavors. I'm not sure why this is, nor am I convinced that I should accept their help. On the other hand, they've got to be abler than Ricky and Rocky. That reminds me, where is my hypnosis serum?

8-24-01
AGAIN with the video games...! I hope this "Crazy Taxi" is worth the taxing on your wasted opposable thumbs. I tell you, I would find something to better with such digits. And where do you think you're going, pneumatic one? Where shall I sleep? Selfish humans...!

8-21-01
Damn and blast! New attempts to lock onto that charcoal menace, Pagan, and transport him with my device resulted in the loss of more expensive equipment, and power failures in this pathetic municipality. I only needed a few hundred thousand volts! Is that really so much? Grrr... I'm beginning to think that I'm going to need an independent power source. Perhaps a treadmill, operated by the otherwise-useless raccoons... Though they seem a bit portly for such work. Well, maybe.

8-17-01
Rocky and Ricky claim to have photographic evidence linking the Provider with the sasquatch, but they haven't had it developed yet. This could prove interesting, but I'm not certain as to how much stock to put in their words. The Provider doesn't seem quite himself today. Thank the dog for small favors...!

8-9-01
The raccoons, as usual, have proven less than helpful. Sometimes I wonder why I keep them on the payroll... They've reported seeing the sasquatch creature roaming the streets of Clifton, but they haven't determined what connection, if any, exists between it and my Provider. It seems that he does have a network of some kind, though, and I must dig deeper! It seems there may be a new member as well, an Alex he's mentioned a few times... My plans had better not be disrupted!

8-5-01
What... was that?!? I never gave credence to all the reported yeti sightings, but I'm suddenly not so skeptical. I don't understand why the Provider would let it into the apartment, however. Unless... could it be that I've underestimated him all this time? Maybe he's got a network of creatures to surpass my own... but to what end? This bears investigation. I must get in touch with Rocky...

8-2-01
Going away again?!? What is the meaning of this? Surely, they don't approve of all this time off at your place of employment! And I can just bet that you won't be leaving the laptop with me, will you? Selfish biped... At least I'll have the pneumatic roommate. And I hear tell that her babealicious cousin is coming around, too! That's more fems for me...

7-25-01
I hear tell that Loud Boy is out of the picture. (No, I don't think that's his real name, but that's what the Provider calls him, and that's good enough for me...) One less human to worship and praise me... but then again, now the pneumatic one can lavish more attention on me. And that is a good thing. :::purrrr:::

7-19-01
Those two do go on about the Macintosh... I'm sure that the Macworld Expo was entertaining, and I don't dispute that the platform is more stable than any of Microsoft's offerings to date, but aren't we overlooking Solaris? Hmmm?

7-13-01
Friday the Thirteenth? So what? Very superstitious, writing's on the wall...

7-8-01
You don't learn very well, do you?!? You've got several fluorescent patches of skin, o Provider mine... Heh-heh! Serves you right for not allowing me access to your computers while you took your so-called 'vacation.' What could you possibly need a laptop computer for while on vacation, anyway? It certainly doesn't seem to have had a high sun protection factor!

6-29-01
Going away again? I hope you choke on that sand you seem to enjoy so much! Well, at least I'll have the two computers to myself for a week... You are leaving the iBook, aren't you? Aren't you?!?

6-26-01
By all accounts, my disruption of the PC industry is going along splendidly. It seems that this year's PC Expo was far smaller and less exciting than past installments have been. Hopefully, within a few months my associates and I can begin buying up some smaller software and hardware manufacturers, grabbing new technologies on my way up to... oh, I dare not say the name!

6-24-01
Enough with this half-pneumatic tomb-raiding woman! I'm getting so very tired of hearing about her, and looking at her poster, and seeing her image as computer wallpaper... Get a life, man! Get a real wo- What's that? Must... get... the BALL! Yes, ball, oh joy!

6-18-01
Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha! So, you've been stenched, eh, o Great Provider? No geek award, and no newspaper article...! Tsk, tsk. Couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow, and all that. :::snicker:::

6-13-01
I've given up on the displacer. Oh, it's great fun at parties, but I just cannot seem to use it on anything other than urine, and I scarcely think I'm going to take possession of the world by moving some piss around. Sorry for the vulgarity, I'm just still seething at the thought of blondie getting a spot in the paper... :::hiss:::

6-12-01
What?!? The press is writing about him, and taking his picture?!? This is madness! This just should not be! By the dog, it's not fair! The press should be talking to ME...!

6-9-01
Damn that Provider! He's gone away for the weekend again, muttering something about resting on the seventh day. Well, I suppose that frees up some workspace for me. I really should look at my matter displacer again. Now that I've replaced the processors, maybe I can make it transport solids and not just liquids...

5-29-01
Sexiest Geek Alive?!? Bah... ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Now THAT is rich! How could they possibly consider you for even such a dubious honor? Although... hmmm, there may be some publicity possibilities permeating this potential prize...

5-25-01
Mmm, tummy rub... ah, ahhh, right there! Right there!

5-23-01
I'm very concerned. Ariel Sharon seems to be out of control. We had a carefully thought-out strategy, Lebanon was supposed to be drawn into the conflict, then Syria, then perhaps that other loose cannon, Saddam... but nothing is going according to plan! And Mitchell and his recommendations... Whatever happened to bald-faced belligerence?!? WHY won't anyone create the large-scale diversion I need?

5-18-01
By the hair of the dog! Of all the- I think I'm going to have to separate Rocky and Ricky. The former has some semblance of a brain, at least, but the latter... I can't believe he went joyriding with my WheelBoard and ended up getting it smashed under a tandem trailer!!! If only he'd had the decency to stay on board when it happened...! I hope there aren't any awkward questions raised when the wreckage is examined... Damn!

5-12-01
O Provider, I don't know what you're making a fuss about. She was probably only in need of a new pen... Ha!

5-6-01
Rollerblading again? He just doesn't know when to quit... Two legs are hardly enough to do serious walking with, much less skating around on wheels! Which reminds me, what's taking Rocky so long with the WheelBoard? The prototype should have been completed and ridden here two days ago! Sometimes I question my judgment in utilizing those masked marauders.

4-25-01
Rocky and Ricky, my enthusiastic (if not terribly successful) assistants, seem to be at risk of an eviction. I must devise a scheme to prevent this! If the raccoons no longer have their rooftop accommodations to perform some of my more clandestine tests, I may be forced to house them temporarily in the attic space here in Nutley; however, I fear that that would be a precarious situation at best. There must be a way...

4-16-01
Where has the pneumatic one gone? Damn and blast! This is going to affect my sleep patterns, I just know it...

4-7-01
What IS it with the panties lately? Suddenly, there is underwear everywhere! At least it seems to be clean... but methinks someone is going to be pissed when she sees the chaos!

3-31-01
Curse you all, wretched species! Ouch! I should've known they were up to no good! Ignobly thrust into the carrier, I was taken against my will to a so-called 'doctor,' who poked and prodded and took samples... oh, how demeaning! I'll never forget this, do you hear?!? Never!!!

3-28-01
Odd, what is that pet carrier contraption doing out of its cell? It's intriguing enough to make me come closer for a few sniffs, but... I've got vaguely uncomfortable memories of that device. I wonder what they're going to do with it? The Provider tried stuffing the pneumatic one inside, but she didn't fit. Hmmm...

3-18-01
More of that alcoholic imbibing... and didn't you just get back from Brazil? Why would you subject yourself to a churrascaria on this most Irish of holidays, anyway? Damn them for coming home in the middle of my antigravity experiment... Hopefully, no one will notice the yellow panties with white scalloped lace trim floating a few inches from the ceiling. Fortuitous that there were so many pairs available!

3-12-01
Oh, goody!!! Oh, glee! Mr. Hotshot Jetsetting Eurotrash-Shades Provider is back! I think I shall roll over on my back and pay him homage! Bah! Just place my souvenirs on the dining room table and get out of my- WHAT?!? No souvenirs? Why, you-

3-4-01
Ahhh, the pneumatic one is laying down again... Who needs you, Provider?!? I've got food, and someone to sleep on... If only that blasted blond boy hadn't put the iBook where my thumbless paws can't get at it! Ah, well... :::yawn:::

2-26-01
What do you mean you're going to Brazil?!? Why wasn't I consulted? This is a damnable outrage! Of course I'm going to be left behind, and I probably won't even get a souvenir out of the deal! Ooh, you're going to be the first against the wall when the revolution comes, I promise you that, o Provider mine...

2-17-01
Why won't the displacer work with anything other than feline urine? I don't understand this! It's all well and good to be able to empty my bladder elsewhere (makes for great fun, too!), but theoretically it should work with any matter. I tried to 'grab' that massive cat Pagan with it tonight, and burnt out two processors before I managed to switch it off!

2-7-01
Today marks one year since this online sampling of my journals hit the Web! Hopefully, it has taught you some respect for me, and maybe you'll be better prepared to deal with the New World Order once my troops and I gain control. Of course, that's your own account. Cooperate or perish, like I always say...! Heh-heh-heh!

2-6-01
Hmmm... Ariel Sharon is a man I could possibly work with. I think that damnable Barak actually wanted peace, and that is why he reneged on our deal. Sharon, however, is a warmonger. I like that in a human. Of course, the new U.S. President has a bit of the warmonger in him, too, but he's stupid. Well, can't have everything. Not all at once, anyway.

2-2-01
Groundhog Day? By the dog, why should those pesky rodents get a holiday?!? I'm not even sure I believe the urban legend about their being able to predict the weather...

1-24-01
I, I feel so... stupid. If it weren't for that power surge triggering the Catatonia Generator's circuit breakers, I'd still be incapacitated. Obviously, I don't understand as fully as I'd thought just how to direct the machine's influence. Just as obvious, however, is the fact that this is a powerful tool, so I must study the theory a little more carefully. First, though, I'm hungry!

1-5-01
Again with the snow! Must you track all that wetness onto the carpet?!? Some of us aren't wearing footwear, you know!

1-2-01
Ah, the Provider is back at work, and not a moment too soon! I must attempt to assemble the Catatonia Generator from these Radio Shack parts I've ordered. I'm also mildly curious about this alleged 'brother' of mine, Buddah, who was gracious enough to send me a holiday card. Even if he's not actually blood, perhaps we have something in common...

12-13-00
Pulled down onto the ice, you say? A likely story! Ha! With the agility you humans have, it's a wonder you can even stand on those ugly pink legs of yours! Why you'd go skating is beyond me...

12-9-00
The urination-by-proxy experiment seems to be an unqualified success. Now, to apply it to bigger and better things. No, wait, I didn't mean- get your minds out of the gutter, you pathetic humans! Ugh... Well, with the Provider out of the house, hopefully I can get some work done this weekend.

11-25-00
Oh, come now! YOU'RE not going to eat any more of that dry, unappetizing :::drool::: turkey excess... so why not give it to ME?!? I'll do my part and take it off your hands... Well? WELL?!?

11-22-00
C-c-c-c-COLD! Close the damned window, you churlish buffoons! How can you stand it, with those hairless hides of yours?!?

11-11-00
Gak! Someone's been out making a wastoid of himself again, I see... your clothing reeks, man! What possesses you humans to smoke, anyway? It's a good thing you don't indulge in that disgusting habit. Although... perhaps I can use this addictive device to my advantage somehow. Must explore that angle...

11-1-00
Jedi knight? Ba-ha-ha-ha! Silly human! What were you thinking?!? Hmmm, perhaps I can find a use for these mass gatherings... parades, I think they're called? With so many sheep in one place...

10-19-00
My hopes for a shattered Yugoslavia seem to have been, well, shattered! Why is no one playing along anymore?!? All I need is one snotrag little country to start with, and before you know it... but where is the strife when one needs it? I just don't understand...

10-10-00
Oh, sure, there's a shiny new laptop for you, Mister Big-Shot Provider, but where is my much-needed Solaris workstation?!? There's only so much I can do with this decrepit Pentium-based dinosaur, you know! No consideration... it's inhumane, I tell you. Inhumane!

9-30-00
And still more carousing! I hope your head throbs all day! It would serve you right! And get that damned Furby away from here! A big 'shout-out' to the Cat Mafia, by the way...

9-24-00
My ears!!! Birthday party indeed! He's not getting older fast enough, if you ask me... Yes, yes, I know, he's the Provider and all that, but, I mean, is all the noise and commotion and coming and going truly NECESSARY?!?

9-19-00
I'm quite tired of this pussyfooting about! Pardon the expression... But, really, Messrs. Arafat and Barak, I thought we had a deal!!! It all makes perfect sense, you know. Give me sovereignty and jurisdiction over all of Jerusalem, and you'll never have to worry about each other restricting access again. How much simpler can we make this, people?

9-15-00
In the name of the dog! WHY is there a FURBY in this apartment?!? I don't like the looks of this one bit! Perhaps I should take advantage of the Provider's illness and finish the both of them off...

8-25-00
Pathetic biped! Who told you to stick your paws into those Rollerblade contraptions, anyway?!? Would that you'd gotten gangrene and not just a couple of silly blisters...!

8-24-00
Budda, you say? Hmmm, nooo, I don't think so...! I don't know any Budda! So what if you do bear an uncanny resemblance to me?!? If I had a battalion for every tabby cat in the world with similar markings, I'd... I'd... :::purrrrr:::

8-16-00
Swing. I cannot believe this. It was bad enough when the Provider tried punk rock. I cringed during the industrial and techno phase. But now he's attempting a swing song with that equally misguided Jon fellow...! What, I ask you, what have I done to deserve such an aural assault? And my most strenuous yowls are not even heard over the sheer volume he's using during mixing! It's, it's BEASTLY, I tell you!

8-9-00
What the deuce is this?!? The Provider is putting photographs of other people's cats on his Web site now? Outrageous! Incomprehensible! Utterly preposterous! How many of these 'cute kitties' have Ten Year Plans? How many of them have Internet access and contacts spread around the globe? And, really, names like Emma, and Bart... I'm not saying they can't have a Web presence somewhere. It just shouldn't be anywhere near mine! :::sigh::: Every day is just another reminder of the adversity against which I must struggle... Someday, my feline friends, someday...

7-28-00
Another no-confidence vote in Israel, you say? Excellent! I wonder how much finagling it would take to get a certain tabby to head a new, more-with-the-hawks less-with-the-doves coalition there... though I suppose I'll have to look into matters. Hopefully I don't need to have a Jewish mother! From there, it's just a matter of taking Lebanon (piece of cake), then Syria (a bit trickier, but doable), then maybe over to Iraq and Iran... Oh, the possibilities!

7-15-00
Why will no one rub my tummy?!? Is it really so much for a cat bent on global conquest to ask? Ooh, if my Cybernetic Opposable Thumb for Cats (COT for Cats) program has a breakthrough soon, you'll get what's coming to you!

6-24-00
Hmmm. I met with that so-called 'Cat Mafia' this evening. An interesting lot, that, but I'm not sure that we can work together or even that it would be mutually beneficial. Their aims seem to consist mostly of raking in profits, generating an endless supply of food for themselves, and creating a servant caste of humans whose sole responsibility would be petting the cats. Not that that doesn't sound good... but I want so much more, for myself and the world. Still, mustn't dismiss the possibility of a collaboration out of paw, eh?

6-14-00
Drat the canine world, anyway! That big, blithering basset hound has begun bothering me by blurting banalities in the Provider's guestbook! Unacceptable! I'd better make sure he never gets my IM username, or my IRC nick, or I'll never get any work done! Why is it that Zhirinovsky and bin Laden never answer my E-mails, yet I get correspondence from a misspelling dog?!? Global conquest cannot come soon enough...

6-1-00
And what is the idea behind this horrendous diet? Five or six flavors of the same bland, unseasoned foodstuff from a can over and over and over again... It's reprehensible! What? Oh, I, um, must go dine now. Back later.

5-13-00
I... I don't understand what's happened. There I was, basking in the sunshine in the window, contemplating how the situation in Yugoslavia is not going according to my plans, when I heard a noise. Looking up, I realized that someone had crumpled a sheet of paper into a ball and launched it into the air. Not anything to concern myself with. Yet, incredibly, inexplicably, I found myself racing to the impact site and batting the paper ball around! All thought of political maneuvering left my mind immediately, and all I could think was, "Must get the ball! Get the ball!" If he's planted some subconscious compulsion in me, I'll-

4-19-00
I suppose I should be more concerned, if only out of self-interest. The Provider seems to be quite the lugubrious fellow of late, and it was only by butting my enhanced skull against his shins repeatedly, forcefully, that I finally made him aware that he'd forgotten to Provide me with nourishment! By the dog! Why in blazes does he think I refer to him as 'the Provider?!?' I have as much regard for human emotion as the nex- oh, why kid myself? The fact of the matter is that his personal life should not intrude upon my intentions! I have a world to obtain, thank you very much, and I can scarcely pull off that bag of tricks on an empty stomach!

3-18-00
HOW am I supposed to get any work done with those buffoons interrupting me with loud bursts of music and guffaws? He's got two of his companions over, and the three of them seem to be consuming one of those alcoholic beverages that leave the humans so giddy... Dammit, why couldn't he have stayed in the United Kingdom? I must get these cost analyses done tonight!

2-29-00
Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!!! No, no, I'm merely displaying for you my wit and humor; I do joke, you know. Nevertheless, it was disheartening to see that, once again, the world's infrastructure was utterly unfazed by the year 2000. With the Provider away in London, this would have been an ideal opportunity. Sigh...

2-7-00
Blast his pale hairless hide! The Provider had some woman over last night, and I was shut out of the room, and therefore could not log on to IRC to chat with "TheBrain" and discuss our possible temporary alliance. The interminable indignity! Well, at least I believe I recognized her, and she was quite friendly... but I should not have to be inconvenienced! Being stroked by an attractive young female doesn't balance the scales... does it?